Why be a celebrity when you can stalk one? Sure, celebrities might not acknowledge your existence, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to acknowledge theirs. Stalking can be quite a satisfying lifestyle. Although it is demanding, a glimpse of your celebrity every year or two makes it all worth it. Remember, by stalking them, you are paying them the ultimate compliment. Nothing quite says, “I admire you” like infatuation. Besides, you get to wear cool sunglasses and trench coats.

True stalkers constantly work on refining their techniques. Here are 14 tips of the trade for becoming a successful and devoted stalker:

1. First, talk like you know the celebrity personally. After all, you do know him or her; he or she just don’t know you. Refer to him or her by his or her first name or some pet name, like Sweetums or Honey Bun.
2. Dress like them. Talk like them. Practice their autograph. Memorize every detail of their lives--everything from the brand of toilet paper they use to the floor plan of their house. Know them. Become them. Not only is imitation the highest form of flattery, but a successful stalker must fully understand the mind of the stalkee(s). Don’t worry, schizophrenia is your friend!
3. In a corner of your room, build a shrine to that special celebrity. Cut out pictures of him or her from magazines and paste them on the wall. Fill the corner with commercial memorabilia of them or items you pulled out of their trash. Anything he or she touched or spit upon is an object of worship. Remember, no memorabilia is too purposeless to collect.
4. If you’re going to wear a disguise when you stalk someone, don’t disguise yourself as another celebrity.
5. Interpret random quotes from the religious text of your choice as meaning that you and your celebrity were meant to be together. If you can’t find anything, try cutting and pasting words from the religious texts.
6. Some people may be disturbed by your healthy infatuation. Ignore them. Your celebrity doesn’t like them anyway.
7. If you write to a celebrity and don’t get a letter back, write more letters. He or she obviously didn’t receive it.
8. If your celebrity has a significant other that really should be you, threaten him or her. Somebody has to look out for your celebrity.
9. Every waking moment your celebrity wants to be with you. Remember that when the restraining order comes.
10. Renounce all people who are not a fan of your celebrity. They’re ignorant buffoons.
11. Just because his or her phone number is unlisted doesn’t mean he or she don’t want you to call them.
12. Some people do not realize that there is a major difference between stalkers and creeps—creeps are stalkers that have been identified.
13. There is an international conspiracy to prevent you from communicating with your celebrity. They (and not your celebrity) are responsible for many obstacles, such as fences, guard dogs, barbed wire, guards, locked doors, and moats.
14. If anything bad happens while you’re stalking, run away. Fast!