On Tuesday the Homeland Security Office raised the nationwide terror alert level from yellow to orange, indicated an increased risk of terrorist attacks. The decision was made at a special meeting of very, very important national security aides. This raise is based on an undisclosed source that implied that there could be a terrorist attack in the near or far future. The who, what, where, and when are unknown, but there definitely might be a terrorist attack.

George Bush stated, “At first we were thinking light orange. Maybe peachy color. Then we were thinking of going to something higher than orange but not quite red. Perhaps red-orange or orange-red. Then we realized we didn’t know the difference between red-orange and orange-red, so we decided to call it an even orange.”

At a news conference, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge stated, “I don’t know why we’re telling you this. There’s really nothing you can do to prepare, but we thought this was something you should worry about.” Tony Snow encouraged people to “eye Middle Eastern people suspiciously” and “avoid places where other people might be”. “This could be it,” he added. “This could be the big one. Armageddon. Whoohoo! Lock and load!”

Experts are speculating on the source of the information. Marie Sanchez, a terrorist expert, commented, “They [CIA agents] might have intercepted a scrambled call by a very mysterious guy with a gravelly voice and foreign accent. Maybe they received a fortune cookie in the mail that said, ‘You’re screwed.’ Maybe they inadvertently turned on the TV and mistook the Saturday Night Live Osama for the real deal. That would sure freak me out, although I might wonder why he was white.” Another suggested that the government is just “playing with our minds.” The most likely cause of the raise is increased “chatter activity” among the terrorists, which may just mean they got a better cell phone plan.

As a result of this terror alert increase, public institutions are working more closely with local and state law enforcement, meaning no one is quite sure who does what. Many people find this disturbing since it means previous security left something to be improved upon.

Well, the author just wants to warn you that you’ll probably die in a fiery inferno, so bring some marshmallows so you can make an oh-God-I’m-going-to-die s’more before the cookin’ starts.