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Why be a celebrity when you can stalk one? Sure, celebrities might not acknowledge your existence, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to acknowledge theirs. Stalking can be quite a satisfying lifestyle. Although it is demanding, a glimpse of your celebrity every year or two makes it all worth it. Remember, by stalking them, you are paying them the ultimate compliment. Nothing quite says, “I admire you” like infatuation. Besides, you get to wear cool sunglasses and trench coats.

True stalkers constantly work on refining their techniques. Here are 14 tips of the trade for becoming a successful and devoted stalker:

1. First, talk like you know the celebrity personally. After all, you do know him or her; he or she just don’t know you. Refer to him or her by his or her first name or some pet name, like Sweetums or Honey Bun.
2. Dress like them. Talk like them. Practice their autograph. Memorize every detail of their lives--everything from the brand of toilet paper they use to the floor plan of their house. Know them. Become them. Not only is imitation the highest form of flattery, but a successful stalker must fully understand the mind of the stalkee(s). Don’t worry, schizophrenia is your friend!
3. In a corner of your room, build a shrine to that special celebrity. Cut out pictures of him or her from magazines and paste them on the wall. Fill the corner with commercial memorabilia of them or items you pulled out of their trash. Anything he or she touched or spit upon is an object of worship. Remember, no memorabilia is too purposeless to collect.
4. If you’re going to wear a disguise when you stalk someone, don’t disguise yourself as another celebrity.
5. Interpret random quotes from the religious text of your choice as meaning that you and your celebrity were meant to be together. If you can’t find anything, try cutting and pasting words from the religious texts.
6. Some people may be disturbed by your healthy infatuation. Ignore them. Your celebrity doesn’t like them anyway.

On Tuesday the Homeland Security Office raised the nationwide terror alert level from yellow to orange, indicated an increased risk of terrorist attacks. The decision was made at a special meeting of very, very important national security aides. This raise is based on an undisclosed source that implied that there could be a terrorist attack in the near or far future. The who, what, where, and when are unknown, but there definitely might be a terrorist attack.

George Bush stated, “At first we were thinking light orange. Maybe peachy color. Then we were thinking of going to something higher than orange but not quite red. Perhaps red-orange or orange-red. Then we realized we didn’t know the difference between red-orange and orange-red, so we decided to call it an even orange.”

Found on the bottom of a desk drawer:

Everyone goes to a party, wedding, bar mitzvah, or cult meeting at some point in their lives. And sure, you may know how to properly hold your glass/suspicious plastic cup/beer mug correctly, but that doesn’t mean anything. All that gets you is the label of “that guy over there who can really hold his beverage container well.” While that may get you some “action,”, as it is referred to, you will be quickly forgotten. The true secret to being the Popular Witty Guy (a.k.a. The Alpha Party Dude) is the ability to tell a story or anecdote properly at a social function. Though to the lay-partier it seems easy, it is in fact a careful art. For you beverage cup wallflowers out there, I will give you the secrets to proper storytelling procedure.

The Beginning

The beginning of a story is crucial because a sloppy or boring start will quickly cause listeners to disengage their attention and instead search for the keg. It has to be a good setup, which if successful makes the listeners feel as if they’re watching the story unfolding in real time. I’ve found that a tried-and-true starter is

“So there I was, right?”