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Sales of potted grass lag
HOUSTON, TX—On Tuesday, Potted Grass Inc. reported quarter earnings of $11.32. The CEO (who is also the COO, CFO, CIO, and stock boy) expressed concern for the future of the company and confusion over why sales weren’t taking off. “I don’t get it. It’s grass. Everyone likes grass. It’s the perfect houseplant. And no one else is in the industry. Business should be booming,” he said. “It’s probably because of the economy,” he added. The company was considering branching out into the pet algae and potted dandelion business but decided to hold back, at least for now.

Government swindled by ’67 Chevy
PHOENIX, AZ—On Thursday, February 20th, an ominous, black-clad vehicle rushed through the tollbooth before the gate could go down for the previous car, escaping the toll of 35 cents. Drivers of nearby cars were shocked. “I never knew you could do that!” stated one driver. Another was quoted as saying, “Wicked.” “This seriously cuts into the federal budget,” an official stated. “That’s one less pretzel on George W. Bush’s table.”

Jay Leno joke not funny
NEW YORK, NY—On the August 15 airing of the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, one of his opening jokes was met with only mild applause. Several, in fact, failed to applaud at all. Jay afterward felt embarrassed and resolved never to tell the “Johnson & Johnson, they kept blaming each other” joke again. Analysts say this is just the first of a string of shows with bad jokes, which apparently plagues both the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and the Late Show with David Letterman, although peculiarly not the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Man laughs at own joke, subsequently hated
SPRINGFIELD, IL—Last Friday John O’Riley laughed at his own joke to the mortification of his friends. “It wasn’t even funny,” commented one. Several others testified to “already having heard it” and blamed the man for his “impeccably bad taste” when it comes to jokes involving lawyers and light bulbs. Afterwards, his friends made a desperate dash for the door as O’Riley launched into his tale about the Rabbi, doctor, and lawyer. They plan to thwart future jokes through the “Shut up you &#@!*&$ !” method.

Toddler finds new use for finger
SAN DIEGO, CA—Last week a toddler noticed that his right forefinger fit perfectly inside his right nostril. He experimented with different methods of extracting mucus from his nasal cavity until he found one worthy of his effort. Upon sight, his parents immediately forbade his experimenting, calling it “picking your nose,” and they promptly removed the finger from its present domain. The toddler plans to experiment with his left forefinger and left nostril in private.

Man decides Yes, he does really want to hurt Boy George, and Yes, he does really want to make him cry
GAINESVILLE, FL—After two weeks of listening to “Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?” play over and over again inside his head, Joey Bradley decided that yes, he did really want to hurt him (Boy George), and yes, he did really want to make him cry. “Normally, I’m a nice sort of guy, but a person can only take so much,” he explained. He is currently considering listening to another Boy George song to dislodge the first one. You know, that one that goes, “Cuma cuma cuma chameleon. He comes and goes. He comes and goes. Cuma cuma cuma…”

Scientists conclude life is primary cause of cancer
Scientists now claim that life is the primary cause of cancer. “We used to think cancer had many different causes, everything from overexposure to the sun to ingesting too much aspartame, but the truth is, we just don’t know,” stated the leader of the project. Another whined, “First something does cause cancer. Then it doesn’t cause cancer. Then it does cause cancer. Then it doesn’t cause cancer. We just don’t have a clue!” A different scientist burst out of the lab, threw his hands up in the air, and screamed despairingly, “I give up! Every [censored]ing thing causes cancer!!!” and stomped down the hallway, kicking the air and muttering to himself. Scientists have finally resolved the issue by claiming that life causes cancer since this is the only similarity all people with cancer share. A study that compares the occurrence of cancer in living people with the occurrence of cancer in dead people corroborates this theory.

Traffic accident inconveniences hundreds
A traffic accident at the corner of Lake Street and Griffith left hundreds of commuters severely inconvenienced when they had to slow to a speed of 10 mph. One police officer stated, “I’ve never seen anything so horrendous. Think of how many must have been shaking their heads in frustration, swearing at the cars in front of them to move faster, realizing with each passing moment they were missing their favorite episode of Matlock.” Many a finger drummed on the steering wheel and eyes strained to see blood or mutilated body parts. Several expressed disappointment that there were no “fireballs.” On a side note, five people are in critical condition and were rushed to the hospital.

Dog catches tail
In an unprecedented event, Raph, the dog of Mr. and Mrs. Bean, caught his tail, after which he emitted a sharp yelp and ran under the couch. This is the first time in the history of stupid dog behaviors that a dog has caught his tail. “This is an extraordinary event,” remarked one expert. “You’re not supposed to catch the tail. That ruins the game. You run and run and run and run and that darned tail is just sitting there, mocking you. It’s unbearable.” The expert then demonstrated this by running in tiny circles.