As another school year begins to wind down, high school seniors find themselves frantically getting in their last college applications, and juniors begin the rigors of SATesting*. Though the College Board is making progress by finally realizing that college preparedness has more to do with the ability to write vapid, insincere essays than any capacity to learn and apply knowledge, their efforts to reach potential college students have not been so effective. Even the attempts of high school teachers have thus far been unsuccessful, as the occasional five-page paper counting for a small percentage of a student’s overall grade does not properly simulate the college experience, wherein it is not uncommon for the majority of a student’s grade to be entirely dependent on one twelve-page (or longer) report.

In order to fully prepare tomorrow’s college students, I offer a program in which prospective students are given an essay prompt and asked to tailor their responses to one of a number of the different types of professors encountered in a university setting. The following is an example from my course package, which can be purchased for the special introductory price of $79.99** per prompt.

Write a paper on the mass extinction between the Permian and Triassic periods known as the Great Dying, tailoring it for one of the following professors (suggestions have been included to get you started):

• A dour individual of advanced years – Just the facts, please; your paper should be objective and dispassionate. Mention as many dates as possible, and strictly adhere to the guidelines set forth by the Modern Language Association. Using the right keywords can mean the difference between a ninety percent and a failing grade.
• An engineer – Use small words. Also use short sentences. Read lots of Hemmingway before starting your paper. This will lower your writing ability by 51.2%. Lowered writing ability is good. Your paper will be clearer that way. Quantify everything. Don’t forget units.
• An arrogant windbag – Include only points specifically mentioned by the professor in lecture. Do not attempt to incorporate any of your own analysis, as you are a mere student and your ideas and opinions are worthless. If possible, use only the professor’s own publications as resources.
• A bible-thumper – In the very unlikely event that this assignment is actually given, assume that the Great Dying refers to the Great Flood from Genesis. Discuss how Darwin was an instrument of The Dark Prince.
• A former kindergarten teacher – Report on your favorite species from the time of the extinction. Discuss how the death of so many animals makes you feel. Include lots of colorful pictures, preferably drawn in crayon.
• An aging hippie – Write the essay in lyric form, relying heavily on metaphor and imagery. Attempt to simulate an acid trip; actually write the essay while on an acid trip, if possible. Cite the Beatles’ White Album as a resource.
• A staunch conservative/radical liberal – Compare and contrast the different theories for the cause of the extinction, but conclude that it was actually Clinton/Bush who killed off 90% of all living species. Be creative when explaining how this was pulled off – the less plausible, the better!

* The phrase “SATesting” is terribly redundant. I refuse to refer to it as such, just as I refuse to use the phrases “Rio Grande River” or “NASCAR racing.” Of course, “NASCAR” is redundant in and of itself; the acronym should be either “NASCR” or “NASAR.” This public service announcement was paid for by the Friends of Concision. Thank you for your time.

** Plus $9.99 shipping and handling. No CODs. Batteries not included. Offer void above the Tropic of Cancer and where otherwise prohibited. Finished product not tested on animals, including actual high school students. Results not guaranteed in any way. Side effects include, but are not limited to, decreased melanin and pheromone production, loss of muscular density, and spontaneous generation of thick glasses and pocket protector. Makers abdicate legal and moral responsibility for exploiting the gullible.