Issue #:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

Sales of potted grass lag

Government swindled by ’67 Chevy

Jay Leno joke not funny

Man laughs at own joke, subsequently hated

Toddler finds new use for finger

Man decides Yes, he does really want to hurt Boy George, and Yes, he does really want to make him cry

Scientists conclude life is primary cause of cancer

Traffic accident inconveniences hundreds

Dog catches tail

As another school year begins to wind down, high school seniors find themselves frantically getting in their last college applications, and juniors begin the rigors of SATesting*. Though the College Board is making progress by finally realizing that college preparedness has more to do with the ability to write vapid, insincere essays than any capacity to learn and apply knowledge, their efforts to reach potential college students have not been so effective. Even the attempts of high school teachers have thus far been unsuccessful, as the occasional five-page paper counting for a small percentage of a student’s overall grade does not properly simulate the college experience, wherein it is not uncommon for the majority of a student’s grade to be entirely dependent on one twelve-page (or longer) report.

In order to fully prepare tomorrow’s college students, I offer a program in which prospective students are given an essay prompt and asked to tailor their responses to one of a number of the different types of professors encountered in a university setting. The following is an example from my course package, which can be purchased for the special introductory price of $79.99** per prompt.

Write a paper on the mass extinction between the Permian and Triassic periods known as the Great Dying, tailoring it for one of the following professors (suggestions have been included to get you started):

Everywhere one goes one is hounded by students passing out fliers, especially during student government elections. They haunt all entrances and exits of where students walk. One almost has to be rude to avoid having a hefty collection of fliers at the end of the day. Here are some alternative methods to taking a flier:

• Pick up and drop method
  Take the flier and drop on the ground once you’re safely out of distance.
  Cons: Litters.
  Pros: UF has to employ someone to pick up the fliers on the ground, which expands the job market.
• **** off method
  Cuss the (censored….still censored….still censored…still censored) out
  Cons: Makes people hate your guts.
  Pros: Healthy release of pent up anger.