Issue #: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

Let’s force some secession!
Why each state does not deserve to be a state:

Alabama- Y’know that little banjo tune and all it entails. Just hum it to yourself, and we’ll move on. Alaska- Who cares about Eskimos? Who cares if they don’t live in Alaska? Who cares about Alaska? No one. Right.
Arizona- Have you ever eaten a chip that looks like Arizona? Me too. T hen I ate it. No more Arizona.
Arkansas- For producing Bill Clinton. And for being smaller than Texas.
California- This one is too easy. Hollywood. Ahh-nold. Blackouts. Excessive granola. Take your pick.
Colorado- Because being in the Mile High Club isn’t special here. That’s gonna cost ‘em.
Connecticut- For not spelling their name like it sounds.
Delaware- Only reason to kick them out is that I don’t know enough about it to keep it.
Florida- I think we’ve all heard the joke of what this state looks like.
Georgia- For being arrogant enough to assume it’s on my mind. Nobody likes an arrogant state.
Hawaii- They’re the shattered dish of the US. How many pieces are there? Also, they’re too far away.
Idaho- Whenever I list the states for fun, I always forget Idaho. They don’t do anything.
Illinois- See Connecticut.
Indiana- That stupid joke about Diana being in the kitchen. Many a nerd has tried to look clever by using it.
Iowa- Every four years, people care. Then we go back to the usual program of ignoring it. Let’s make the program permanent.
Kansas- Achieved fame only because Dorothy isn’t there anymore. She was pretty happy about leaving, so I think we can trust her on it.
Kentucky- Out of pure bitterness, for basketball reasons.
Louisiana- Cajun food is great. Through that, Louisiana survives. Barely. Don’t push it.
Maine- What a poorly named state. They are the main focus of nothing.
Maryland- Have you ever tried to figure out what exactly it looks like? I don’t know either. So, they lose.
Massachusetts- “Boston” is pronounced “bah-stun”, not “bass-tun”. F- for pronunciation.
Michigan- It’s a glove. Reaching for what? Canada? Reach for a new goal, folks.
Minnesota- Because it’s pronounced Min-ne-soh-tuh, not Min-ne-soh-tur, don’tcha know.
Mississippi- For drawing the hatred of first-grade spelling students everywhere.
Missouri- For shortening their name to “Mizzou”. The z’s are very much unnecessary.
Montana- If more people live in a dorm room than in your state, you’re out.
Nebraska- Because Nebraska football bites, and their corn ain’t so great either. Nevada- Really, if it weren’t for Las Vegas, people wouldn’t much care about this place. Las Vegas can be its own state, and the rest of it can be absorbed into California.
New Hampshire- Like Old Hampshire, but newer. S’bout it.
New Jersey- Actually, we’re gonna keep this one. Because it’s the butt of so many great jokes.
New Mexico- I can’t do this one. There’s already a t-shirt about it and Old Mexico.
New York- The so-called Capital of the World. Out because it’s also the capital of insane taxis and incomprehensible accents (Noo Yawk? Eh?)
North Carolina- Until it finishes eating South Carolina, it’s just too boring to keep. Also, the Tar Heels suck.
North Dakota- Useless. Just. Plain. Useless.
Ohio- I even asked several people, and they couldn’t think of anything that Ohio reminds them of. Wait. One guy said snakes. There you have it.
Oklahoma- Where the wind goes rushing through their heads like a wind tunnel, if you get what I’m saying.
Oregon- Their clame to fame is a pixelated computer game you played in fourth grade.
Pennsylvania- We have to keep them because the Quaker Oatmeal guy lives here. Gotta love his rosy face smiling down on you during breakfast!
Rhode Island- Boy, is this state small. And annoying. They even voted against the Constitution. They would.
South Carolina- Like North Carolina but South. Basically..
South Dakota- Like its brother to the north, except less useful.
Tennessee- Because we all hate our inferior rivals, Volunteer.
Texas- Gets to stay because it’s so big.
Utah- Stays for the same reason New Jersey does. Everyone loves a good polygamy joke.
Vermont- Howard Dean came from here. Replay his scream and realize that’s the only thing this place is known for.
Virginia- George Washington retired here. I think. He liked places that were calm, lovely, and full of idiots he could lord over.
Washington- I always thought that this was where the Redskins played. The day I learned they played in D.C., not the state, I forever banished this state.
West Virginia- Horror movies set in “the back country” are either set in the South or here. It’s like Alabama but probably with mountain lions.
Wisconsin- Your state university’s mascot is the badger. Dear Lord, what drives a man to represent himself with such a very uncute creature?
Wyoming- “Why” indeed.