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Quick. What’s the most evil thing in the world?

Nope, it’s not any political ideology, any religious personification of temptation, nor even, loathe as I am to admit it, the idea of Posh Spice as the Virgin Mary. Believe it or not, it’s not even a consequence of humanity.

What am I discussing? Precipitation of crystalline, solid state dihydrogen monoxide. For those of you uninterested in working that one out, snow.

Snow is not fluffy, snow is not soft, and snow is very rarely even white. It’s cold, wet, hard, and utterly unpleasant. No matter how many layers of clothing you don, it always finds a way in. And somehow, people still believe it is a good thing. Clearly, there is something amiss.

I strongly believe that Snow has been watching humanity over the millennia and has gained insight into the workings of the human mind. At one time, humans disliked and even feared snow. They were intelligent enough to migrate away from what I have come to know as “The White Death.” As Man gradually distances himself from nature, he has come to see natural phenomena as benign – something to be occasionally thought of as attractive but never respected, much less feared. Snow has taken advantage of Man’s inflated sense of self-worth by contriving to look as “beautiful” as possible. The sun glints magnificently from unspoiled snow, and there is a certain charm to a frosted tree. By appearing so beautiful, Snow appeals to Modern Man’s superficial nature, and he is drawn, against all reason, out of the warmth of his home, which has all manner of technology to keep out the elements, and into Snow’s bitter embrace.

But Snow’s true nature is shown as soon as Man attempts to “play” in it. When Man finally tires of sloughing through drifts up to his knees, being hit in the face by compacted balls of slush, and becoming ever more soggy and numb, he drags himself back into his centrally-heated domicile. He attempts to do so without dripping melting Snow all over his carpet and begins the slow and painful process of thawing himself out.

Logically, Man should learn not to give in to Snow’s wiles, but every year proves that Man clearly has a logic deficiency. I suspect that this deficiency is largely due, again, to Snow. By leaking through clothing, and then Man’s porous skin, Snow gains access to Man’s central nervous system and engages in a very subtle and sophisticated form of mind control. Snow is then able to convince Man that it is indeed something “fun,” and to spread propaganda to other Men.

Though Snow can only maintain this control for a short time each year, its insidious nature (as anyone who has been through a blizzard or a particularly snowy season can attest to) allows its influence to reemerge later in the year once Man’s snow fatigue abates. It is quite plain from the anticipation felt each year by millions in the northern United States that Snow has effectively established lasting control over much of the population. Some are more susceptible to Snow’s influence than others, but society as a whole seems to have played right into Snow’s hands.

To be fair, we cannot simply gloss over Snow’s point of view. Ever good villain has a motive, and it is possible that Snow is no exception. It may very well be fighting back against the impending threat of global warming, which would eventually lead to Snow’s extinction. But can Snow be pitied any more than any other would-be conqueror? After all, hasn’t Snow had its empires? Its ice ages? Who is to stop such a catastrophe from happening again, if not those of us free from Snow’s control?

So, Florida, weep not for your lack of snow. Revel in your warmth and do not give in to the hype of those under the influence. Enjoy your green Christmases (or winter holidays of your choice) and be kind to those of us who do battle with “The White Death” over winter vacation when we return home.