SATs are unfair to speakers of ebonics. Many ebonics speakers are unfamiliar with proper grammar and fancy shmancy words. Thus, I present the following as an alternative to the standard SATs.

Analogies
1. caddy : golf clubs :: __________ : ___________
A. strapped man: glock
B. bomb diggity : shazaam
C. croquet: plaid

2. fastest : runner :: __________ : ___________
A. slowest : rabbit
B. quickest : peach
C. tha shiznet : weed

3. endearment: boo :: __________ : ___________
A. dime-bag : quilt
B. hate:muthafuggar
C. love : pineapples

4. earthquake : find cover :: __________ : ___________
A. 5-0 : run like hell
B. tsunami : surf
C. Skittles : M&M’s

5. Mercedes : trunk :: __________ : ___________
A. Ford Taurus : sucks
B. cottage cheese : yummy
C. woman : badunkadunk

6. throw : football receiver :: __________ : ___________
A. catch : unicycle
B. rugby : England
C. busta cap : police

7. waves : surfer :: __________ : ___________
A. reefer : stoner
B. Volkswagon bug : awesome
C. plant : grow

8. L’il Kim : kickin’ :: __________ : ___________
A. Darkwing Duck : erudite
B. Vanilla Ice : b*tch*ss
C. cocaine : recreation

9. blood : brutha :: __________ : ___________
A. word : synonym
B. learning : fun
C. crack : dope

10. Celine Dion : my heart will go on :: __________ : ___________
A. frogger : friggin’ awesome
B. 50 cent : i luv authority figures
C. L’il John : what?

1. A
2. C
3. B
4. A
5. C
6. C
7. A
8. B
9. C
10. C

Sentence Completion

1. ‘Sup,_______? Know where the _______ at?
A. citizen, library
B. carrot, Ranch
C. cutie, jocks
D. g, beeyaches

2. Tha big baller be throwin’ aroun da _______ an’ gettin’ all up in my _______.
A. hippo, shorts
B. tennis ball, patio
C. benjamins, bizznass
D. booger, nose

3. _______ be keepin’ the _______ down , yo.
A. Bruthaz, whittie
B. Whittie, bruthaz
C. Weights, weightlifter
D. Weasels, cake

4. My main man Andre be _______ some _______ beats.
A. sautéing, plump
B. making, nice
C. flamingo, tardy
D. droppin’, phat

5. I was doin’ some _______ when dis _______ cop pulls up and I git ________.
A. Buddha, mother****in’, cuffed
B. Crossword, lovely, ticketed
C. Smarties, M&M’s, Skittles
D. squats, fat, food

6. What tha _______ yo? You be _______ up the crib.
A. gosh, rocking
B. Whopper, McNuggets
C. dilly, stankin’
D. yo, barfing

7. I’m at da club, yo. The _______ be all up in _______.
A. pigeons, roof
B. Duff, Homer Simpson’s mouth
C. croquet, the park
D. crunk, hizzere

8. I met some _______ broad who wuz _______ out on a dime-bag.
A. refined, enjoying
B. buffugly, buggin’
C. Meatwad, Shake
D. silly, eating

9. I gotta get me some _______ so I can be ghetto _______, yo.
A. earrings, spectacular
B. spandex, 80s
C. ice, pimpin’
D. knickers, suitable

10. I wuz drinkin’ some o’dat _______ and doin’ some rock, an’ I was hella _______.
A. Old English, dry,
B. wine coolers, girlie
C. Chardonnay, sophisticated
D. gasoline, dead

1. D
2. C
3. B
4. D
5. A
6. C
7. D
8. B
9. C
10. A

Essay Questions

Galileo Galilei was bizzle in 1564 into a Europe wracked by cultural ferment n religious divisions. Slap your mutha****in’ self. The popes of tha Roman Catholic Church, powerful in they roles as bizzoth religious n secular leada, had proven vulnerable ta tha worldly n decadent spirit of tha age, n they personal immorality brought tha reputizzle of tha papacy ta historic lows. Snoop heffner mixed with a little bit of doggy flint.

In 1517, Martin Brotha a forma monk, attacked Catholizzles fo` havn become too worldly n politically corrupt n fo` steppin' tha fundamizzles of Christianity wit pagan elements. His reformn zeal, which appealed ta a notion of an original, “purified” Christianizzle set in motion tha Protestant Reformizzle n split European Christianity in two so show some love dawgs. In response, Roman Catholizzle steeled itself fo` battle n launched tha Counta-Reformation, whiznich emphasized orthodoxy n fidelity ta tha true Church. The Counta-Reformation reinvigorated tha Church and, ta some extent, eliminated its excesses. Unfortunatizzles tha Counta-Reformation also contributed ta tha decline of tha Italian Renaissizzle a revival of arts n playa tizzle sought ta recova n rework tha classical art n philosophy of ancient Greece n Rome. The popes had once been bootylicious patrons of Renaissance arts n sciences, but tha Brotha put an end ta tha Church’s liberality n leniency in these areas, know what im sayin? Furtha, tha Church’s new emphasis on religious orthodoxy would soon C-L-to-tha-izzash wit tha emergn scientific revolizzles cuz this is how we do it.

Galileo, wit his study of astronomy, found himself at tha centa of this clash. Conservative pusha of Galileo’s time, frontin' witout telescizzles ascribed witout deviation ta tha ancient theory of geocentricity. This theory of astronomy held tizzy tha earth (“geo,” as in “b*tch*ss geography” or “****in’ geology”) lay at tha centa of tha solar system, orbited by B-to-tha-izzoth tha sun n tha otha planets. Indeed, ta tha casual crazy *ss brutha it seemed common sense that since tha sun “rose” in tha dippin' n sizzay at night, it mizzle have circled around tha earth. Ancient authorities like Aristotle n tha Roman astronoma Ptolemy had championed this viewpoint, n tha notion also coincided wit tha Catholic Church’s view of tha universe, which placed mankind, God’s principal creation, at tha centa of tha cosmos fo' sheezy. Buttressed by common sense, tha ancient dawg n tha Church, tha geocentric model of tha universe seemed secure in its authority so you betta run and grab yo glock. The Ptolemaic theory, wanna be gangsta was not impervious ta attack. In tha 16th century, baller strained ta makes modern observations fit Ptolemy’s geocentric model of tha universe . Drop it like its hot. Increasingly complex mathematizzles systems were necessary ta reconcile these new observations wit Ptolemy’s system of interlockn orbits fo' sheezy.

Nicholas Copernizzles a Polish crazy ass dawg openly questioned tha Ptolemaic system n proposed a heliocizzle system in which tha perpetratin' earth— orbited tha sun (“helios”) n sh*t. This more mathematically satisfyn way of clockin' tha solar system did not attract mizzle supporta at first, since tha avail’ble data did naw yet support a wholesale abandyment of Ptolemy’s system. By tha end of tha 16th century, howeva, astronoma like Johannes Wanna Be Gangsta (1571–1630) had also begun ta embrace Copernizzles theory. Once Galileo began ta observe tha heavens through his telescizzles tha fate of tha Ptolemaic system was sealed. But so too was Galileo’s fizzle . Wussup to all my bruthas in the house. The Catholic Church, desperately bustin' ta hold tha Protestant heresy at bay, could not axcept a scientific assault on its own b*tch*ss theories of tha universe. The pressures of tha age set in motion a historic confrontizzles between religion n science, one whizzay would culminate in 1633 W-H-to-tha-izzen tha Church put Galileo on trial, forced him ta recant his stated n published scientific beliefs, n put him baller permanent hizouse arrest n we out.

1. Why did ya not readizzle da essay?
(a) I am not familiar with ebonics, and that made it very difficult to read the story.
(b) ‘cause I ain’t goin’ to, so shut the **** up
(c) I deals crack, yo. What the hell I need to knows about Galileo fo’?
(d) ‘cause I ain’t gonna act like no whitey
(e) b , c and d

2. I thought I told ya, dawg I’m a soldier. Which of tha follow’n was not a reason fo` Martin Rappa attack on tha Catholic Church?
(A) pagan elementizzles in its practices
(B) I be ghetto fabulous, yo.
(C) its excessive attention ta piety
(D) its corruption n worldliness
(E) tha politizzles involvement of tha popizzles

3. Gang bangin' ta this passage, tha catholic church started tha counta-reformation primarily ta
(a) fight scientific heresy
(b) clean out its own ranks
(c) I busta cap in the person who wrote this b*tch*ss test
(d) elect a new pope
(e) counta protestant challenges

4. Who da poser yo?
(A) Snoop
(B) Will Smith
(C) Yo momma
(D) 50 cent
(E) Yo momma and Will Smith. In a hot tub! Bizzang!

5. The develizzle of tha heliocizzle model of tha solar system, as discussed in this passage, suggests tizzle observations of tha natural world
(A) is often dependent on technology
(B) is crazy ass dawg ta be trusted
(C) should fit wit common sense
(D) can always be explained mathematically
(E) who give a sh*t

6. Whiznich of tha follown bizzle states tha underlyn theme of tha passage?
(A) Science always conflicts wit religion . It don’t stop till the wheels fall off.
(B) Science is vulnerable ta outside social forces.
(C) Somedays, I gonna be a multi-platnum rappa. For shizzle. 50 cent ain’t got nuttin’ on me.
(D) Science operates in a vacuum . Death row 187 4 life.
(E) Advanced technology is tha only route ta good scientific theories.

1. E (A if ya lame-*ss).
2. B: I be kickin’ Shaft’s sorry *ss, know what I be sayin’?
3. C: I gots no respect fo’ da guy dat wrotizzle dis test. He ain’t from da ghetto. I’s can tell dese things.
4. E: Snoop be flyin’. 50 cent be bangin’. Will Smith be posin’. Yo momma be posin’. In a hot tub. With Will Smith.
5. E: Dawg, who give a sh*t.
6. C: I’ll stop rhymin’ when the sun stop shinin’.

Special thanks to Princeton Review for the original essay and Gizoogle.com.

On the plus side, eighty-four percent can tell Mary Kate from Ashley Olsen and ninety-six can name twenty synonyms for the f-word after you explain what synonym means.