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Brushed out of business
In a recent press release, Crest has announced it will be pulling out of the United Kingdom, citing a lack of sales. Their ad campaign had aimed at the “Austin Powers” level of dental hygiene, but their efforts went for nil. The few sales generated turned out to be from foreign dignitaries and tourists.

Discovery-Computers harmful, especially if you have an ex-girlfriend
A new study suggests that computers are bad. They have led to improvement of stalking skills and increased volume of unwanted ex-girlfriend emails. None of this is good. Especially the ex-girlfriend spam. Life was simpler when all you had to do to avoid your ex-girlfriend was not answer the phone. Then came the answering machine, further complicating matters. And then AIM was invented. Stalkers and clingy ex-girlfriends rejoiced. Excuse me. I have to add yet another ex-girlfriend’s screen name to the block list. It’s over, sugar. Done! For the love of everything holy, if I still wanted to be friends, I’d call you! But I don’t! So buzz off! Pardon me. Like I said, computers suck.

Trade is good, except when it's bad
“Trade is good,” according to nearly every economist in existence. It would appear that economists never traded their Mickey Mantle rookie card for something long since forgotten. Sadness ensued.

Elvis a fraud!
New documents have shown the Jailhouse Rock was not, in fact, any kind of rook at all. The type of energy needed to rock out simply wasn’t there, noted the warden. It was more of a low-key sway. Sources indicate it lacked gusto.

Toilet paper on trial
In a recent development, toilet paper has become the subject of courtroom scrutiny. Single-ply was recently indicted as a Crime Against Humanity. ’Nuff said.

Confucius corrected
Recently, a man of grammatical astuteness noted the errant nature of the popular philosopher’s quotations. Apparently, he objects to the subject-verb agreement error of “Confucius say…” The man commented, “I can no longer allow this to continue. At what point will people wake up and realize that proper verb conjugation is a crucial part of nature’s balance?” In response to his fervent protests, Confucius’ publicist stated that “Confucius say Nerd with no life cannot breathe.” Later, nobody cared.