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Have you ever felt truly lied to? Have the ones you never thought would deceive you actually done it? Time and time again, commercials have lied to us. When I bought that remote control car, I remember thinking the box was awfully small to hold all the sandy dunes, rocky ledges, and murky pools of water from the commercial. Because really, what good is a toy car if you can’t drive it through terrains that make it look so cool, and just happen to be in your backyard? So, as I expertly present this evidence that we have been used/are overly gullible, reflect upon your own life and its trials. Also, begin the fuzzy feelings of nostalgia that happily block out all those good ol’ embarrassing times.

Peoples’ Exhibit #1: G.I. Joe Oh, Joe, remember the times we had? I’d watch your cartoon, willing you with all of my six-year-old heart to defeat Cobra and his evil henchmen. During your commercials, I would see your characters and their vehicles crossing rugged terrain, and I knew that I could lead you to victory, for I was the strategic equivalent of Patton, assuming Patton played with GI Joe’s, too.

But alas, it was not as foretold. Remember in Sesame Street Christmas when Bert trades his prized paperclip collection to get Ernie a soap dish for Rubber Duckie? Remember the look of dismay on his face, how badly he felt used by Mr. Hooper? If you saw that show, that was me. As I opened the box and only the battle-hardened face of a plastic action figure gazed back at me, I became Bert. The saddening disappointment was the beginning of the world breaking my spirit.

Exhibit #2: Movie ads

Ashton Kutcher is pretty funny, right? I, like millions of Americans (according to the evasive Mr. Nielsen and his ratings), was amused by his Kelso on That 70s Show. So, if he were in a movie, it would have to be fairly lighthearted, right? I saw him in Just Married- an enjoyable comedy. (Note to guys: this movie will make you very romantic for awhile, and your girlfriend will love it. Enjoy it while it lasts, for soon you will say something thoughtless and ruin it.) So, when I saw “The Butterfly Effect” previews, I figured it would be a good drama that would have some funny parts in it because hey, it’s Kelso!

How could that face lie? He’s too cute. And stupid. Oh, how irresistibly dreamy! Now I know how Demi Moore feels, except that I’m not old enough to be his mother. But I digress.

If you saw Butterfly Effect, you know that was some sick shibby. I was shocked, and I left the theater feeling filthier than a Fear Factor contestant. Even my friend Brian, who watches bloodbaths with great disinterest, was left stuttering for words. No matter how I scrubbed, the nastiness stayed with me, like the stickiness of pine tar or cotton candy. I didn’t feel Punk’d. I felt dupe’d.

Exhibit #3: Fanta
“You’re the hottest crowd in town, we don’t need to cool you down!” chant those vixens of carbonation, the Fanta Girls. It would make sense that the girls endorsing that soda would be very hot. If a hot girl on TV says to do it, males are generally going to do it in the hope that maybe, someday…y’know. As the minds of the male viewers sink into fantasies, the ad’s power begins to take hold. Yet, upon the third or fourth viewing (after I had all my good fantasies already), it occurred to me that the Fanta females were not all that attractive. I had been beguiled by skimpy outfits, sensuous curves, and catchy beats! How dare these companies assume that scantily clad females could sway male wallets!

Realizing that I’d been entranced by these not-so-hot women, old feelings returned. It’s like when you see this girl with a really hot body and start thinking about her. And she turns around, and it’s a guy. It’s a sick feeling. A dirty feeling. And those Fanta girls tricked me into believing that consuming their beverage would put me in bumpin’ parties with hot women. Oh, how I hate them. More than I hate Jet for their shameless Beatles rip-off.

This has been a narrative journey from quiet frustration to passive-aggressive annoyance. We gotta take back the power! Load the muskets, boys, it’s time to make them package the muddy swamps that make the Land Tank look so cool! If Ashlee Simpson gets booed at the Orange Bowl, then we can demand more realistic ads! Or at least hotter people endorsing them.