Issue #: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

Have you ever felt truly lied to? Have the ones you never thought would deceive you actually done it? Time and time again, commercials have lied to us. When I bought that remote control car, I remember thinking the box was awfully small to hold all the sandy dunes, rocky ledges, and murky pools of water from the commercial. Because really, what good is a toy car if you can’t drive it through terrains that make it look so cool, and just happen to be in your backyard? So, as I expertly present this evidence that we have been used/are overly gullible, reflect upon your own life and its trials. Also, begin the fuzzy feelings of nostalgia that happily block out all those good ol’ embarrassing times.

Peoples’ Exhibit #1: G.I. Joe Oh, Joe, remember the times we had? I’d watch your cartoon, willing you with all of my six-year-old heart to defeat Cobra and his evil henchmen. During your commercials, I would see your characters and their vehicles crossing rugged terrain, and I knew that I could lead you to victory, for I was the strategic equivalent of Patton, assuming Patton played with GI Joe’s, too.

Brushed out of business

Discovery-Computers harmful, especially if you have an ex-girlfriend

Trade is good, except when it's bad

Elvis a fraud!

Toilet paper on trial

Confucius corrected

Quick. What’s the most evil thing in the world?

Nope, it’s not any political ideology, any religious personification of temptation, nor even, loathe as I am to admit it, the idea of Posh Spice as the Virgin Mary. Believe it or not, it’s not even a consequence of humanity.

What am I discussing? Precipitation of crystalline, solid state dihydrogen monoxide. For those of you uninterested in working that one out, snow.

Snow is not fluffy, snow is not soft, and snow is very rarely even white. It’s cold, wet, hard, and utterly unpleasant. No matter how many layers of clothing you don, it always finds a way in. And somehow, people still believe it is a good thing. Clearly, there is something amiss.

I strongly believe that Snow has been watching humanity over the millennia and has gained insight into the workings of the human mind. At one time, humans disliked and even feared snow. They were intelligent enough to migrate away from what I have come to know as “The White Death.” As Man gradually distances himself from nature, he has come to see natural phenomena as benign – something to be occasionally thought of as attractive but never respected, much less feared. Snow has taken advantage of Man’s inflated sense of self-worth by contriving to look as “beautiful” as possible. The sun glints magnificently from unspoiled snow, and there is a certain charm to a frosted tree. By appearing so beautiful, Snow appeals to Modern Man’s superficial nature, and he is drawn, against all reason, out of the warmth of his home, which has all manner of technology to keep out the elements, and into Snow’s bitter embrace.

Let’s force some secession!
Why each state does not deserve to be a state:

Alabama- Y’know that little banjo tune and all it entails. Just hum it to yourself, and we’ll move on. Alaska- Who cares about Eskimos? Who cares if they don’t live in Alaska? Who cares about Alaska? No one. Right.
Arizona- Have you ever eaten a chip that looks like Arizona? Me too. T hen I ate it. No more Arizona.
Arkansas- For producing Bill Clinton. And for being smaller than Texas.
California- This one is too easy. Hollywood. Ahh-nold. Blackouts. Excessive granola. Take your pick.
Colorado- Because being in the Mile High Club isn’t special here. That’s gonna cost ‘em.
Connecticut- For not spelling their name like it sounds.
Delaware- Only reason to kick them out is that I don’t know enough about it to keep it.
Florida- I think we’ve all heard the joke of what this state looks like.
Georgia- For being arrogant enough to assume it’s on my mind. Nobody likes an arrogant state.
Hawaii- They’re the shattered dish of the US. How many pieces are there? Also, they’re too far away.

SATs are unfair to speakers of ebonics. Many ebonics speakers are unfamiliar with proper grammar and fancy shmancy words. Thus, I present the following as an alternative to the standard SATs.

Analogies
1. caddy : golf clubs :: __________ : ___________
A. strapped man: glock
B. bomb diggity : shazaam
C. croquet: plaid

2. fastest : runner :: __________ : ___________
A. slowest : rabbit
B. quickest : peach
C. tha shiznet : weed

3. endearment: boo :: __________ : ___________
A. dime-bag : quilt
B. hate:muthafuggar
C. love : pineapples