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I've lived on this planet for 21 years, and I have contributed virtually nothing to society (and when I say virtually nothing, what I really mean is absolutely nothing). I'm sick and tired of being a societal burden. My conscience simplify cannot take it anymore. I, the untalented and unfortunate-looking daughter of two overly-introverted people, have finally decided that I shall make my mark in the world. Fortunately, the time is ripe for change-the AIDs epidemic is spreading, Ashley Simpson's music is thriving, and nuclear capabilities are proliferating. The end is obviously near, unless drastic measures are taken. I've thought long and hard about what I can do to change the world. After months and months of deep pondering during commercial breaks, I have finally come up with an idea that I think is deserving of my time and energy.

But let me digress.

Language is the great "uniter." It allows thoughts and knowledge to flow from one person to another, making human progress possible (except when those thoughts are stupid). And lo and behold, what types of words do we use the most? Why, swear words of course. Swear words offer the flexibility of usage and widespread popularity that other words can only envy. And if the history of language has shown us anything, it's that you can never have too many swear words. Variety is the spice of life, and being exposed to a diversity of profanities will undoubtedly brighten your life. Most people may only speak one language, but they doubtless have the ability to swear in two or three. Hence, I propose to add a new swear word to the English (and perhaps worldwide) lexicon. After pouring over thousands of texts and muttering word after word to see if it has the proper curse word harshness, I have finally stumbled across the perfect word:

Snuffleupagus.

Yah. That's right. Snuffleupagus. And hell, I have no clue if that's spelled right.

I have to admit, it's a mouthful, but never mind that. It's perfect. In order to see where I'm coming from, think of Snuffleupagus, the retarded mammoth from Sesame Street. Now think of him crushing your mother with his massive woolly trunk while he bathes your favorite pet in endangered-species blood while simultaneously smashing your video I-Pod with his big, hairy feet. Yup. That's it. Feel the hate flow through you. Satan probably has "snuffleupagus" tattooed across his chest.

Granted, if this swear word is used often enough, it will acquire a vulgar meaning --probably something to do with sex in its more socially unacceptable forms. If the history of human language has taught us anything, it's that even the most innocuous words can acquire the most vulgar of meanings, especially if incorporated into rap songs.

As an additional pro, the length of "snuffleupagus" makes it difficult to censor. If you see sn*ff**p*g*s, there's basically only one word in the English language that it can be. No ambiguity there. If its bleeped and you hear snu- and -us, you basically know what they just said, too. Plus, the length of the word makes the bleep last satisfyingly long,

I hope to have this word used and bleeped on TV at least ten times before 2010. That's right. My life has purpose now; it has meaning. I am no longer the lonely atheist lost in life's futility and triviality.

But I can not do it alone. I need your help. In the end, it's left to every individual human being to do his or her civic duty and make snuffleupagus part of the verbal fabric of society. After all, this world has far from enough words for junior high students to snicker at.

We can do it. I know we can.