On Monday, March 24, little Timmy was suspended for bringing a sharpened pencil to school. “You could poke an eye out with that thing!” exclaimed Mrs. Guthie, a teacher at Nixon Junior High School. While searching Timmy’s desk for more pointy things, little Timmy’s teacher came across a list with classmates’ names on it. Timmy claimed that they were the names of the people in his group for a project but the teacher knew better. “These are clearly the names of the people he planned to stab to death with his pencil. I know for a fact that Timmy once called a girl on the list a ‘stupidhead.’ Thank goodness we caught him before this evil mastermind could complete his plan.” They also found scissors, which could potentially cut the materials for a bomb.

“We want to make it clear to the student body that we will maintain a safe environment, no matter what the cost to personal freedom or education,” stated the principal. Toothpicks, compasses, staplers, and nuclear weapons have since been banned, and since Timmy’s suspension teachers have found other students with sharpened pencils. One class was reduced to three people.

In his defense, little Timmy sobbed, “Well, I was at home writing, see, and the lines just kept getting lighter and lighter, so…so…I sharpened my pencil and brought it to school, and the scissors…they were on the school supplies list they gave us before the beginning of the school year.” (Ya right, little Timmy. You’re going DOWN.)

Teachers now require students to whittle their pencils with knives because it gives them extra control over the sharpness of their pencils, allowing them to sharpen their pencils without actually making them sharp.