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Dear __________,

Hello, I am your greatest fan. I really like your latest work, _____________. I can recite or picture it from memory. Maybe someday I will see or own it. I think they should give you a trophy.

I have a picture of you looking really cool that is on my wall/binder/car. I have your name or name of your association tattooed on an unspecified region of my body. I would, like, totally date you if I were not straight/gay/have standards.

I’m sorry if you got a bad review from whoever it is that reviews you. If so, that’s bogus. They had no idea what they’re talking about. You do not have bad taste or skills, and you are definitely not “funny-lookin’.” Neither are you “one of Satan’s minions,” like he or she said you were.

I can’t tell you how much you’ve inspired me or other people. Your work takes such courage and intelligence and skill and other qualities that you may or may not have. I can only hope that someday I will be able to do whatever it is that you do at a caliber equal to or beyond yours. I will base my whole life on becoming like you from this day forward.

I like your hair.

I was there when you made a public appearance in some city or rural area in the last several years or decades, as the case may be. I bet you didn’t see me. I was the one in the black shirt. If you say you don’t remember me, I will be personally offended.

I hope to meet you again one day, unless you’re one of those conceited people or are gouge-eyes ugly or smell funny - like tuna fish. Perhaps I will see you sometime doing something in public as I stalk you.

                                                                              Your greatest fan,

 

 

P.S. You rock, man.

P.P.S. Like, totally.