The Tyke's Gonna Jump!

EXT. STREET – DAY Two collage-age guys, JAKE and TOM, are dressed in the latest fashions and are walking along the street when they see a young boy, SAM, on the ledge of a tall building, looking as if he might jump.
	JAKE Whoa, dude. Look at that! TOM Dude, we better do something. He might jump. JAKE Dude, you are so right.
They walk to the building the boy is standing on and look up.
	TOM Hey, what are you doing up there? SAM I’m…I’m jumping. JAKE Dude, you know you can’t fly, right? Because it would be really stupid if you thought you could fly. SAM What?! I know I can’t fly. I’m not stupid I’m going to jump any moment now, so you better get out of the way.
JAKE and TOM stand there.
	SAM I’m…I’m jumping! JAKE Dude, no you’re not. SAM I am, too! JAKE No. You’re not. SAM Am, too! JAKE Uh, nooo.
TOM shoves JAKE.
	TOM Shut up! You’ll make him jump! JAKE (grinning) Dude, I always wanted to see a guy get plastered on the sidewalk. TOM Dude, remember what I told you? What you’re supposed to ask yourself in situations like this? JAKE Uh…am I wearing clean undies? TOM No. Absolutely not. That was your mother. JAKE Okay…is there a god…dude? Heh, doesn’t that make me seem deep and shit? TOM Okay, that’s a valid question…but NO! NOOO!!! WWYGD! What would your girlfriend do?! What would your girlfriend do?! JAKE (grins) Oh ya. Right. I knew that, dude. I was just playin’ with ya. You’re great when you flip out, dude, you know that? And she would totally not like to see a guy get plastered on the sidewalk. Even I know that. Man, you’re freakin’ out.
JAKE playfully punches TOM. TOM looks disgruntled. Pause.
	JAKE Okay, who stuck something painful and pointy up your ass.
TOM has his hands up in the air in despair.
	TOM I am in a very stressful situation! JAKE I’m in the same situation as you, man. SAM Will you two shut up! I’ll do it, I swear! TOM (to JAKE) I’ll handle this. TOM (to SAM) What about your family and friends? Everyone has family and friends. JAKE Dude, you sound like Oprah.
JAKE snickers.
	TOM Shut up, JAKE, I’m trying to help him. SAM They all hate me!
SAM begins to cry.
	JAKE (under his breath) Ya, because you’re a crybaby. SAM I heard that! I am not a crybaby!
SAM cries harder. TOM roles his eyes.
	TOM Where are your parents? SAM I dunno! They hate me! TOM No parent hates his or her child. It’s freaky, really. SAM My mom calls me a mistake! TOM Oh. JAKE Oh boy. TOM Well…we like you, right JAKE? JAKE Dude… TOM (whispers) Say something nice about him, JAKE. JAKE I don’t want to. TOM Just do it! JAKE Uh…you have really nice…pale skin, and your hair is nice and…you’re very symmetrical. TOM Ya! I mean, some people are missing ears and stuff. You have two ears. Good for you!
SAM just stares at them. JAKE and TOM stand there for awhile. JAKE pulls out his wallet and takes a ten dollar bill out.
	TOM Look, I feel sorry for you, so here’s what I’m going to do. I’ll give you a ten dollar bill if you just stop crying and come down here. SAM Thirty dollars! JAKE Dude, what did you say?! SAM Thirty dollars! JAKE Dude, this man here is willing to give you out of the goodness of his heart a ten dollar bill. A grand spanking new ten dollar bill. Dude, you can buy, like, a…ten dollars worth of stuff with this here bill!
JAKE takes it and waves it around. TOM grabs it back.
	SAM Thirty dollars! TOM The audacity! The complete and utter audacity!
Pause.
	TOM Fifteen. SAM Thirty! TOM Seventeen. SAM Thirty! JAKE (to Sam) Dude, you don’t know how to negotiate. There’s no way he’s giving you thirty dollars. SAM Thirty! Or I’ll jump! TOM What?! You brat! You know what? I take it all back. I take it all back. No money for you, you bad little boy. JAKE Ya, you little punk-ass!
SAM has stopped crying by now. He’s nervously looking over the edge. TOM and JAKE stand there, wondering what to do. JAKE finally looks up like he knows what to do.
	JAKE Dude, if you don’t come down here this very moment, I’m going to kick the living bleep out of you, and it’s going to hurt…a lot…like stubbing your toe a lot. Wham! Hell, I’ll freakin’ KILL you if you don’t come down right NOW! TOM JAKE... JAKE Dude, you are so about to meet the JAKE-Man, the JAKE-Meister. TOM JAKE... JAKE The JAKE’n Bake. You are so in for it, dude. TOM JAKE! JAKE WHAT?! TOM He wants to die, so how is threatening to kill him going to help things? JAKE I’m gonna…oh. Right. (to Sam) Well, you may have fooled me once, but you’re not going to fool me again, you little conniving rascal dude! TOM You know what? I dare you to jump. Just go ahead and jump. See if we care. SAM I thought you didn’t want me to jump. TOM Well, we’ve changed our minds. JAKE (to TOM) No we haven’t, dude. TOM Shhh. Let me handle it. TOM Just jump, little fella. Jump. I dare you. JAKE Ya! You wouldn’t jump if it nipped you in the butt! TOM You couldn’t jump if you were on a pogo stick. JAKE Heh, good one.
SAM flexes his knees and prepares to jump.
	TOM Ahhh! Don’t jump!!! JAKE (simultaneously) Noooo!
SAM stands up straight.
	TOM Damn that reverse psychology! JAKE, over here.
JAKE and TOM huddle.
	TOM Why doesn’t one of us go to the roof and grab him while the other stays below to catch him if he jumps? JAKE Dude, what about the steps? TOM Wha? What about the steps. JAKE You have to go up them. TOM Right… JAKE Dude, I’m just saying. I’m not going up all those steps. It’s like, two stories. TOM Well, I’m not going up those steps for that punkster…
Pause.
	TOM Well, there goes that plan. JAKE Ya. TOM He probably would jump if one of us came up there anyway, and there’s no guarantee that the other could catch him. JAKE Ya, dude. Ya. TOM Ya.
Silence.
	SAM What are you guys talking about? TOM Nothing! SAM No you weren’t! I heard you!
Pause.
	TOM Okay, you got us. SAM What were you saying? TOM I was saying that only stupid people commit suicide. SAM What is suicide? JAKE Dude, come down and he’ll tell you. SAM No. What is suicide? JAKE Dude, come down and he’ll tell you. SAM No. What is suicide? JAKE You want to commit suicide and you don’t know what it is? What a crazy, crazy world we live in. Well, career suicide would be playing a stupid guy that says dude all the time. TOM Or relationship suicide would be dating Jennifer Lopez. JAKE Or political suicide would be sexual harassment or having sex with an intern or getting caught doing crack. TOM Uh, no, actually you can get away with those. JAKE Dude! I want to be a politician! Sweet! TOM Haven’t you heard of Clarence Thomas or Marion Barry or Bill Clinton? Tell me you’ve heard of Bill Clinton, JAKE. JAKE Bill Clinton’s the saxophone dude! The horniest president alive! SAM But what is suicide?! TOM Okay, actual suicide would be playing an ensign on a scouting mission in Star Trek. JAKE Or hanging yourself with your tie because your wife, Irene, just left you for a non-balding man who makes 50 grand less than you and the children refer to you as Mr. Poopy Head and have been smoking pot since the age of three and you’re about to miss your sales quota at work and you just stepped on gum and now you have gum on your shoe and... TOM Where did that come from? JAKE I dunno. SAM I don’t get it! TOM Basically, suicide is killing yourself. SAM Oh. JAKE Dude, I think we just should’ve said that in the first place. TOM Ya.
Silence.
	TOM You know, if you were really going to jump, you’d have done it already. SAM You don’t know that! JAKE Dude, yes we do, dude. SAM No you don’t! TOM and JAKE (simultaneously) Yes we do. SAM No you don’t! TOM You know what? I’m sick of this. I’m dead sick of this. You are never going to jump. I think we all know that by now. I’m not even going to bother calling the police. That’s how sure I am that you’re not going to jump. Let’s go, JAKE. JAKE Later, little dude!
JAKE and TOM walk away. There’s a thump in the background.
	TOM Dude… JAKE Dude... TOM and JAKE (simultaneously) Shit!