Dear __________,

Hello, I am your greatest fan. I really like your latest work, _____________. I can recite or picture it from memory. Maybe someday I will see or own it. I think they should give you a trophy.

I have a picture of you looking really cool that is on my wall/binder/car. I have your name or name of your association tattooed on an unspecified region of my body. I would, like, totally date you if I were not straight/gay/have standards.

I’m sorry if you got a bad review from whoever it is that reviews you. If so, that’s bogus. They had no idea what they’re talking about. You do not have bad taste or skills, and you are definitely not “funny-lookin’.” Neither are you “one of Satan’s minions,” like he or she said you were.

On Monday, March 24, little Timmy was suspended for bringing a sharpened pencil to school. “You could poke an eye out with that thing!” exclaimed Mrs. Guthie, a teacher at Nixon Junior High School. While searching Timmy’s desk for more pointy things, little Timmy’s teacher came across a list with classmates’ names on it. Timmy claimed that they were the names of the people in his group for a project but the teacher knew better. “These are clearly the names of the people he planned to stab to death with his pencil. I know for a fact that Timmy once called a girl on the list a ‘stupidhead.’ Thank goodness we caught him before this evil mastermind could complete his plan.” They also found scissors, which could potentially cut the materials for a bomb.

“We want to make it clear to the student body that we will maintain a safe environment, no matter what the cost to personal freedom or education,” stated the principal. Toothpicks, compasses, staplers, and nuclear weapons have since been banned, and since Timmy’s suspension teachers have found other students with sharpened pencils. One class was reduced to three people.

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. - Matt Groening

I have a sneaking suspicion that my fondness of this quote is based more on the mental picture of weasels tormenting an overturned snowmobiler than any profound meaning it possesses. And any eye-popping conclusions reached would have no academic weight whatsoever considering the person who first said the quote draws yellow people with "issues" and four fingers. However, with the view that this is for English class, and I need to fill a whole page, nothing can be overanalyzed!

On this note, let us begin on the surface. If you are ever pinned beneath a snowmobile at night, ice weasels will come to eat you. Eek.