“The jolly old fat guy”’s reign of terror ended last Friday when he was arrested at his home in the North Pole.

On January 10th, an anonymous phone call identified “the jolly old fat guy” (a.k.a. “Santa Claus”) as Chris Cringle, a resident of the North Pole. Satellite pictures confirmed the existence of an extensive building complex there. Navy SEALS infiltrated the installation on January 15th and apprehended Chris Cringle and his Crime Circle of Christmas Cronies.

Adam Hammitt, a SEAL who braved the mission, recounts the experience: “The elves were gettin’ real nippy and kept bitin’ our legs. The fat man put up quite a fight, too, but we got’em alright. Oh, we got’em good.”

Cringle was arrested and charged with multiple accounts of theft, breaking and entering, assault and battery, child molestation, and animal abuse. The FBI is also investigating links between Cringle’s Cronies and drug trafficking in Peru.

According to eyewitness accounts, Cringle forced his illegally obtained midget-slaves to wear humiliating outfits, consisting of a hat, pointy shoes, green tights, and a long, frilly green shirt. Jingle bells attached to the clothing allowed Cringle to keep tabs on their whereabouts. Cringle used the midget-slaves to run his organized crime network.

Authorities found seven tons of stolen merchandise in Cringle’s hideout. Much of the stolen merchandise traces back to Toys ‘R Us where it was probably shoplifted. Experts attribute 35% of all shoplifting this season to Cringle’s Crime Circle of Christmas Cronies.

Authorities also found twelve reindeer in poor condition. The abused animals were scarred from constant whipping, exhausted, and malnourished. One of the reindeer’s noses glowed, probably due to heavy radiation exposure.

Supposedly, on the evening of December 24th, Cringle injected massive amounts of crack-cocaine into his reindeer, inducing temporary flight capability. Then he leashed the reindeer to a sleigh and traveled across America, systematically breaking into homes, devouring any food within eyesight, and leaving stolen merchandise to frame the house’s occupants.

Although how Cringle managed to annually rob millions of homes in one night remains a mystery, experts attribute his swiftness to smoking massive amounts of crack-cocaine in his infamous pipe. This would also explain his schizophrenic nature. Officials are still unsure how such a fat man managed to squeeze through such narrow chimneys.

Apparently, Cringle also frequented malls across the country to “fondle” kids. Mall security cameras reveal parents pushing their children towards an obese man dressed in white and red with extensive facial hair, while other kids scramble to leave his lap, blinded by their tears.

Cringle is also being sued for causing emotional damage to the daughter of Peggy and Danny Lawrence, and more lawsuits are on the way. Mr. Lawrence said, “All Betty wanted for Christmas was Malibu Barbie. She got Hawaii Stacey. She screamed and hissed and spit and threw a real, loud, screamin’, genuine tantrum. We didn’t want the neighbors to think we were bad parents, so we had to sedate her.” The government assured the people that Cringle’s reign of terror is over.