Site updated whimsically.

Issue #: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21

By Topic
Article Index | Index by Author
Other Comedy Sites
Origins of Site Name
A Blog
Store

Please send comments and suggestions to digesting49@gmail.com.

The Harrowing Tale of the Unknowing Simulacrum
[eric l. wozniak]


At the start, an existential dilemma smacked me in the face. What do I do? I didn’t know if I had a purpose, and yet, I felt time passing. Not just passing, but running out; counting down to my certain death. I had to act. My only option was to move forward, so that’s exactly what I did. I determined that I would act according to whatever happened to come my way.

It wasn’t long before I realized that something was amiss. The ruins of some ancient castle, as far as I could tell, actually hovered before me. Hovered! I walked under pieces of it, and I can assure you that there was absolutely nothing visible keeping the scattered bricks afloat. When I jumped up to touch one of the bricks, it instantly shattered.

Pangs of guilt for destroying something ancient and magical bade me to begin running as fast as possible. Suddenly! A strange creature appeared before me. I swear on my life that it looked exactly like a walking helmet. The thing’s eyes communicated an intense desire to kill me. Since my momentum had exceeded my ability to change direction, I attempted to jump over the beast. I must not have accurately estimated the distance between the creature and myself because, instead of jumping over the thing, I landed on top of it. I expected it to bite off one of my legs as I came down upon it, but to my surprise and tremendous wonder, the thing disappeared the moment my foot touched it. I gathered that the same magic, which infused the floating bricks, must have imbued the creature as well.

Continuing on my way, I spied a giant tube sprouting from the ground. My curiosity piqued, I decided to investigate. I jumped atop it with caution; afraid of falling inside, never to be seen again. However, I quickly noticed that there wasn’t an opening. It was nothing more than a solid cylinder. I assumed that it had to be an ancient religious structure made by the same civilization that had built the castle and infused the monsters with magic. Though no evidence confirmed my belief, I suspected disturbing sacrificial rites enacted on the platform.

I passed several more pillars and came across a few more of the helmet-looking creatures. I decided that it would probably be best to avoid those altogether. With each pillar I met, I stopped to examine the structure. Perhaps the third or fourth pillar differed from the others. It was a tube! Although I could not see what lay at the bottom, I could not help but descend. You will not believe what I discovered.

The bottom opened up to a large room. Though there was little light, I could see that the room was constructed from the same bricks as the ruined castle. The room was a marvel in design, but the most fantastic aspect was its contents. It was a storehouse for gold. Greed enveloped me, I’m sorry to report. I took every last treasure contained therein. The pilfered room refilled with shame. I was plagued with the notion that this ancient civilization stored their gold here, and for God knows how long, the room kept it safe. Then, I come along and act as a common thief. Disgusted with myself, I tried to leave. Unfortunately, the way down was now inaccessible. I attempted to jump back up into the chute several times, but I was unable to grab hold of anything with which to pull myself up. Then, I noticed another chute in the corner of the room. Knowing I had to keep moving, lest I starve to death, I ventured into the unknown.

When I emerged, I was relieved to find myself back on the surface. My relief soon faded as I was reminded what the surface entailed: weird helmet monsters. Two of them came rushing toward me. Another piece of ancient castle levitated above their heads, so I decided to touch it. My hope was that it would instantly crumble like the previous one. With any luck, the falling pieces would hit the monsters and cause them to disappear like the one I’d “killed” before. It seemed as if there would be no shortage of baffling occurrences in this place as I jumped onto the ruin and it remained perfectly intact. I jumped up and down on the bricks, always readying myself for their collapse, but the bricks wouldn't budge. While considering my next course of action, I accidentally fell and landed on top of the creatures.

Safe, though confused, I walked on to find a giant pyramid blocking my path. Having no other option, I scaled its side to find that it wasn’t a pyramid at all. No, it was only half of a pyramid. “Who would build only half a pyramid?” I wondered. By this point, I had gathered that whatever ancient civilization had lived here obviously knew what they were doing, but I just couldn’t wrap my brain around a half-pyramid.

My thoughts quickly shifted when I, at last, noticed the first sign of modern habitation. Before me stood a small castle with a flag hoisted beside it. Foregoing concern for my well-being, I jumped down and ran toward the castle. My optimism was short-lived as no one was found inside.

I could write volumes on everything I experienced thereafter. Exotic locations, more mysterious floating bricks, countless bizarre monsters, and giant plants/fungi that altered my molecular structure (though, it’s entirely possible that they merely caused me to believe that I had changed). However, I must recount my first encounter with another human.

I found a giant castle and ventured inside to find a plethora of traps designed for death. When it seemed like I had reached the deepest dungeon, there she was, waiting for me. She addressed me by name. I didn’t have time to ask her how she knew me as she immediately gave me my first real lead as to what I should do with myself. She said to me, “The princess is in another castle.”

I had no idea who this “princess” was, but I assumed she’d have some answers for me. At the very least, it gave me a goal. My life had meaning.

I have found six giant castles thus far. Somehow in each castle, the same woman is waiting for me with the same message. She’s begun to get on my nerves, but at the same time, it’s nice to hear a human voice. And it’s reassuring to be reminded that I have a purpose. I must find this princess. I must speak with her. I know it’s strange, but the words that continue to flood mind, the only words I can think to say when I finally see her are “It’sa me, Mario!” Hopefully, I’ll have thought of something more meaningful to say by the time I've finally found her.

BACK »