Issue #: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21

Look. I know it's a little late in the game to address this issue, but the fact is that it still pisses me off. The only reason I'm addressing it at all is because no one seems to give a fuck that Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire is the worst film title in the history of cinema.

I didn't see the movie, and I won't. You know why? Because of the title. It's not the length that bothers me. On the contrary, one of my favorite movies of all time is Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. That's a great title for a film. It tells you exactly what the movie is about: the absurdity of nuclear weapons. You know what title doesn't tell you a thing about its contents? Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire.

I don't even know how I'm supposed to write the title. Is what I have above correct? Is it supposed to be “Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire”? Maybe Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire? Does it matter? No, it does not.

You know what would have been a fantastic title? Precious. Fucking period. Precious is a good title by itself because it doesn't force the fact that the film is based on a book down your throat. You know what films have been based on books? Fucking all of them.

This works both ways. Nothing pains me more than buying a book that has at some point been turned into a movie, and the cover has been raped by the film's existence. I'm not reading the book because it's now a movie. And you know what? The people that are reading the book because it's a movie don't want that shit on the cover either. It indicates that they're uncultured assholes that have never heard of the book before they saw a trailer for the film. These are the same pricks who later say, “Oh, the film was good, but the book was better.” Those kinds of people, more than anyone, want others to think that they're reading because they like to read. The film-pushing cover defeats the purpose. Anyway, those covers usually look like shit.

Back to the issue at hand. Just about every single movie is based on a book (unless it's based on a Transformer). This is because Hollywood is incapable of coming up with original ideas. Well, that's not entirely fair. No one is capable of generating original ideas. Every story has already been written. Guess where? If you guessed inside the stall of a men's room at Denny's, you're an idiot. Books. That's fucking where. It's said that the Greeks used every possible storyline in their plays. So “books” isn't entirely accurate. Nevertheless, books. The answer is books. I don't remember the question anymore, but I'm sure you can find it in a book somewhere.

Now, even if the title were Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’, then that would only be somewhat appalling. The addition of the book's writer's pen name is too much, however. First of all, Sapphire? That's your fucking pen name? Eric Blair used the name George Orwell for all of his writings because he thought that no one would ever take a writer with the name Eric seriously. Naturally, I take exception to his hypothesis. Nevertheless, he came up with an aesthetically pleasing and respectable sounding name. Why the hell anyone would elect “Sapphire” as a pen name is beyond me. It immediately quells all legitimacy. How am I supposed to read a book by someone named “Sapphire” in public? How the hell do you have a conversation about his(?)/her(?) work?

“Did you read the new book by Sapphire?”
“No. Go fuck yourself, you illiterate pedophile.”

But even the “name” isn't what bothers me. It's the inclusion of the book's author's pen name within the film's title. Did you notice how that last sentence was difficult to read? It's awkward as hell, isn't it? That's because I should never have written that sentence, and no one should ever have read it. And yet, there it is: “...book's author's pen name within the film's title.” It isn't that Sapphire is concerned that his/her book will be forgotten with the success of the film. No, it's that he/she is concerned that he/she won't get the recognition that he/she feels entitled to. I'm not suggesting that Sapphire doesn't deserve any credit. He/she (does anyone know the gender of this person so I can stop writing “he/she”?) deserves every ounce of credit for writing the book. The film Precious, etc. is not the book Push. I'm sorry, Sapphire. It just isn't.

Maybe I’ve got Sapphire all wrong. It’s possible that Sapphire is trying to encourage reading. “Like this film? There’s a book, you know.” If that’s the case, then I must commend Sapphire for his/her push (I’m so, so sorry) for the written word. But I’m a cynical bastard, and I think Sapphire is a bigger egoist than Ayn Rand.