Issue #: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

Man looks at women ‘”funny”; sued for sexual harassment
Mandy Green sued fellow company worker, Chris Rockafeller, for sexual harassment in the workplace on the basis that he looked at her “funny.” “I didn’t appreciate that look he gave me,“ said Green. Rockafeller defended himself, saying, “I was staring into the distance, thinking about where to go for lunch. She happened to be in my line of vision. It isn’t a crime to look at someone. This is ridiculous. She knows I’m openly gay.” Green contended, “He’s complimented me on my clothes before. Once he said my dress was ‘darling’.” “I liked her dress. So what? I thought I might like to buy one like that,” Rockafeller replied. “It’s kind of embarrassing, really.”

Clouds tired of being stereotyped
A representative for clouds complained to the media Tuesday that clouds were being stereotyped by artists and little children with crayons. “We aren’t all the bright, happy, puffy clouds against a peaceful, light blue sky,” the speaker for the National Advancement of Clouds (NAC) said. “I wish people didn’t always portray us that way all the time. I have yet to see a cirrus cloud in a TV ‘cloudy weather’ icon.” Apparently, to the author’s complete surprise, there are other clouds besides bright, happy, puffy ones. There are also gray clouds, which are totally ignored.” The representative elaborated, “We have fat clouds. We have skinny clouds. We have dark clouds. We have light clouds. We have high-altitude clouds. We have low-altitude clouds. Sure, there are some clouds that try to destroy humanity with their rain and hail and snow, but we’re all good at heart. Some of us just have issues.”

Teen abused by parents’ genes
Mr. and Mrs. Shaker are charged with child abuse by their 13-year-old son, Adam Shaker. Mr. and Mrs. Shaker’s chromosomes irresponsibly and recklessly combined during impregnation, causing Adam to suffer from acne, obesity, and limp hair. “How could my parents do this to me? Didn’t they think about their actions?” Adam said. “Sometimes kids say I resemble a beach ball and call me pimple head.” Prosecutors say that Adam’s bad genes could leave him with permanent emotional and physical damage, and he may have trouble reproducing. Mr. Shaker commented, “I knew he was a mistake to begin with.”

Bible abridged to “God good. Satan bad.”
In their latest effort to abridge great works of literature, Milton Publishers finalized their latest abridged book, the Bible, which was abridged to “God good; Satan bad.” They also shortened the title, “The Bible,” to “B.” Amidst objections, John Welton, Grand Poobah of Milton Publishers, said, “Let’s face it. This is the twenty-first century. We don’t read books that are thicker than our pinkie fingers. Half the Old Testament is lineages anyway. Bob begat Fred who begat Sara who begat Modeen. I mean, 'Good good, Satan bad' -- that’s the general gist of the Bible, isn’t it? Succinct and to the point. I mean some people might think God is bad and Satan is good. We can’t let that happen, now can we? If this goes well, we may summarize other religious texts. I mean, God wants us to summarize. He gave us the Ten Commandments, didn’t he? That’s practically a summary of the whole Old Testament. Sure, four words may seem short to summarize something that is over a thousand pages long. But we’re just really, really, like, totally efficient with our words.” Among the rejected summaries were “Worship the Big Man,” “Love Jesus tons,” and “Be nice.”

Crack addict wonders where TV went
After waking up on the middle of the floor of his apartment again, Roger Deans looked around and realized his TV was missing before he staggered around and collapsed where his couch used to be. “Geez, this is the third time this month. I already lost my car, my fridge, and my stereo,” he said. “And I can’t report it because…uh… well…uh…let’s just say everything was ‘secondhand.’ Where does it all go? And why are there little bags of what appears to be a white, powdery substance lying around?”