The mood at the Nader Headquarters was tense as Nader and the other two members of his party watched the electoral college results on TV. As Peter Miguel Comejo, future vice president, sat in front of the 15-inch screen, he blew up balloons for use at the victory celebration. “You were right, Nader. We didn’t need to buy more balloons. We did have enough of them left from 2000.”

“I’m always right,” Nader replied. “That’s why, one of these days, lots of people are going to vote for me.” The first results came in on TV. North Carolina went to Bush, with 1,910,936 votes to Kerry’s 1,484,158. Some guy named Badnarik got 13,224.

“What?! This can’t be right!” exclaimed James Jones, Nader’s other supporter. “Didn’t you campaign there?”

“Why, yes, I believe I did. I gave two speeches to at least 200 people at a time. I have family there, too. They must have voted for me.”

“Actually, sir, they voted for Kerry,” said Comejo.

“What?! Why?”

“Um…they said they didn’t want to waste their vote, sir.”

“A vote for Nader is never wasted!” cried Nader. The results for state after state came in. Nothing. Nada.

“I think there’s a chance we might lose” Jones said mournfully. They continued listening to the announcer.

“… that’s right. Exit polls are usually a good indication of how many votes a candidate is getting, but they also help us understand why people voted as they did. Individuals appear to have chosen Bush because they believed him to be aggressive on the war on terror and more moral. Those voting for Kerry did so because they preferred his economic policy, his intelligence, or his actively not being Bush. I don’t know why we’re mentioning this, but the people who voted for Nader usually said that they did it because they thought it was ‘funny.’ The rest wanted to ‘stick it to the man.'"

“Funny?! Funny?!” Nader exclaimed. “Oh wait! I get it! It’s a joke. Ha ha ha. That newscaster cracks me up.”

Jones and Comejo remained in uncomfortable silence. More results poured in. Jones and Comejo retired for the night in tears. Nader paced the room while watching the map turn blue and red. Finally, he collapsed into a chair and slumbered restlessly. The next day, Nader arose bright and early to congratulate Bush. After being on hold for three hours, Nader finally talked to the President.

“Hey?” said George Bush.

“Hey. This is Ralph Nader.”

“Nader? I don’t know of a Nader. I like your name though. It’s easy to pronunciate.”

“The guy that ran against you in the election. The non-Kerry guy.”

“What party?”

“Well, I used to be with the green party.”

“Really? I like the color green. I also like parties. Still doesn’t jog my memory, though. I don’t recall having any color-themed parties at the White House.”

“Oh God.”

“What?”

“I lost to you. That blows my mind. (Pause) Let’s just get this over with. I lose. You win. Congratulations.” Nader hung up the phone and sighed.

“Now that’s what I like to hear!” exclaimed Bush to his aids.

A few hours later, Nader made his concession speech. Although no major network filmed it, John Jones did film it for Nader’s family on an 8mm video camera.

“What can I say?” Nader said. “The other two candidates are spineless, well-funded douchebags. America has shown their stupidity once again. . I didn’t expect to win. I just ran because I hate Kerry. At least we didn’t inflate all the balloons so we have some for the next presidential election."

THE END