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Once there lived a troll, but not just any troll. This was a very, very sadistic little troll. This troll invented the game of golf.

If you ever drive past a golf course, you’ll notice that most golfers fall into a single demographic--people with too much time on their hands. This group typically includes retired old people, celebrities, and corporate moguls. This demographic by no means includes me, or the majority of the population, for that matter.

Golf starts out like most sports: There’s a ball. There’s a place where you want to put the ball. You try to put the ball in the place. Unfortunately, there's a catch. In golf, you have to put the ball in the smallest place possible in the hardest way possible.

In baseball and basketball, you throw the ball. In soccer, you kick it. Sure, kicking is harder than throwing, but it’s not beyond reason. In golf, however, you hit the ball with a skinny metal stick that you paid a couple hundred dollars for. Go figure.

Golf is probably the most impractical sport in the history of mankind. It takes a club, a ball, and the most land possible. Then it takes that land and divides it up so the least number of people can play at a time. Finally, it takes that land and makes it as hard as possible to maintain. You can’t just play on one levels of grass. Oh noooo. You have to have three levels, despite the fact that due to the nature of the game, the turf is naturally destroyed.

Furthermore, golf is probably the only sport where you have so much equipment that you have to hire someone to help you lug it around. Even worse, the game is designed so that players use their expensive equipment to lose their other ridiculously priced equipment (i.e. club hits golf ball, golf ball never seen again).

I mean, what sadist troll introduced water hazards anyway? Why would anyone make a hazard that eats people’s balls? The only reasonable explanation is that it’s a devious scheme to provide the owners with a never-ending supply of free golf balls, (or it was just made by a sadist). As if hitting a small, white ball hundreds of yards didn’t make people lose enough balls! Even more unsettling, why do people pay to have their golf balls taken away from them? And why do people hit them farther away after they find them? When you find your lost keys, do you throw them farther away and leisurely walk after them? I sincerely hope not.

Also, despite the fact that there are no teams, golfers have to wear “uniforms” so they can walk around and assault balls with blunt metal objects. In fact, golf has its own line of clothing. There are golf shirts, and then there are golf gloves. And pants. And shirts. And hats. There might even be golf underwear...but I digress.

To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure why golf is considered a sport. Walking isn’t considered a sport, especially not at a leisurely pace and when driving around in a little cart most of the time. As for swinging the club, I doubt that takes much muscle. Perhaps it’s physical coordination because golf obviously involves absolutely no brute strength. It’s not like golfers race against each other, pushing each other out of the way as they race to be first to hit the ball again. I mean, pencil twirling takes quite a bit of coordination, but it’s not a sport.

Perhaps, deep down inside, I hold a profound admiration for the game of golf in all its heavenly glory. (After all, I do usually count my golf score in multiples of par.) On the other hand, maybe I just think golf is an impractical game played by silly people. I'm leaning towards the latter.