Yet another resident of Aurora, Illinois was arrested for committing a senseless act of eating. On Thursday, March 5th, the police raided the home of 59-year-old Mrs. Hanguri, catching her red-handed amidst the remains of a bag of Lay’s potato chips. This is the fifth reported act of senseless eating this month.

Mary Bigsmowth, Mrs. Hanguri’s neighbor, witnessed the event. She reports, “Well, I was just sitting in my rocking chair, minding my own business, when I happened to look through the window of her house with my binoculars. She was sitting on the couch in front of one of those new-fangled televisions, her hand groping towards a bag of potato chips. Now I knew full well she didn’t need more food, having just happened to observe the barbecue ribs, corn, and three rolls she ate earlier that evening from 6:49 to 7:13. Acting like any responsible citizen, I called 911.”

Arriving at the scene, the police managed to wrest the potato chip bag from Hanguri’s iron grip, who started beating the officers with couch pillows. “I was nearly hit by one of those [expletive deleted] cushions, but thanks to rigorous police training, I was able to duck just in the nick of time,” proudly stated officer Dan Willmore.

The confiscated bag of Lay’s potato chips was found to contain 10 grams of fat and a whopping 250 calories per serving. Experts estimate that she had more than the recommended serving. Upon searching her house, police also confiscated two cartons of ice cream, two pounds of snack foods, a Snickers bar minus a bite, and a really cute Puffkin. This could be enough to sentence Hanguri to twenty days on a treadmill or at worst two weeks with Richard Simmons.

When asked why she did it, Hanguri replied between sobs, “I just wasn’t thinking. I was bored, and the potato chips were in reach. All the cool people eat them. I just wanted to fit in.”

Wiggins, the local police chief, speculates that this isn’t the first time Mrs. Hanguri has engaged in senseless acts of eating. “Judging by her numerous cavities and grease-stained hands, Mrs. Hanguri snacked quite frequently.” According to Mr. Nowital, author of The Psychology Behind Snacking, “Once you pop, you can’t stop, you can’t stop eating ‘em. I only hope it isn’t too late to save her.”

Senseless acts of eating have been on the rise during the past year, which experts attribute to the increased accessibility of potato chips, soda pop, and candy bars, especially among teenagers. Experts predict that one person in every four is involved in a senseless act of eating at least once during the year, and eight of every nine people have been involved in a senseless act of eating at some point in their lives. Experts recommend keeping excess food out of the reach of small children and loved ones, especially if Richard Simmons scares them.