[ben hertel]
We revolutionized the way you looked at the personal computer. We changed the face of MP3 players as you know them. And now, Apple delivers its latest product, forever shifting the way you communicate with a Higher Power. Finally, you can have that Apple of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Introducing the iChristian.
Don’t you hate it when you feel like you’re talking to thin air when praying to God? Well, you should, because there’s an app for that. With the Pray function, you simply speak your deepest regrets and wishes into the iChristian, and it will answer you with one of eight different responses. Yes, it’s similar to a Magic Eight Ball, but hey, so is prayer.
[meaghan igel]
Magnificat High School of Rocky River, Ohio: home of the Sisters of the Humility of Mary (nicknamed the “Blue Nuns” for their blue habits – until Vatican II, that is); prison for many Cleveland-area girls; and determiner of my life and my fate for four years of my existence. The survivors are few, but they are proud of their quirks and emotional scars and wear them with pride. After all, how many women can use “I went to an all-girls school” as a topic of conversation at a cocktail party? All Mags girls hold the idiosyncrasies of their school close to their heart and use them as identifying factors and bonding tools.
[edward eugene baskett]
Subject: PREGNANT WITH GOOD IDEAS
DEAR CHRISTOPHER -
By now, I have pretty well established myself as the "Octomom of Good
Ideas." I herewith hand you two more to tuck in.
"The Chris Matthews Show" comes on at 9 AM, California time, on NBC.
Unfortunately, by that hour, I am already up at the Donut Den having
coffee, visiting with the locals, and shoving you down their throats.
Therefore, you should rebroadcast the show on MSNBC in the afternoon, as
does "Meet the Press." Far better than MSNBC showing stories about
child molesters, prisons, and horrific murders.
When you are in a good mood, there is no one more delightful.
Therefore, on Fridays, HARDBALL should devote itself to light and airy
(fun) news, stories dealing with such miscreants as Rush Limbaugh,
Michele Bachmann, little Blago, Grandmother Sarah, etc. You can call it
"Fluffy Fridays."
Tink
[eric andereson]
After thousands of years of God performing miracles, decreeing laws for mankind and watching over humanity, I
have finally concluded that His impartiality should be met with skepticism. I have always believed that as
long as you are pure of heart and well-intentioned, then God will have your back. Philippians 4:13 says, “I
can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Isaiah 40:31 says, “But those who hope in the Lord will
renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and
not be faint.” Finally, Psalm 37:4 reads “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your
heart.” All this presents a pretty convincing case that, regardless of your race, gender or geographic location,
God will scratch your back if you scratch His (theologically speaking). However, recent events have suggested
otherwise, and they come from the scene where his name is most frequently invoked. Of course, I am referring to the world of professional sports.
[eric l. wozniak]
It's 2010 now. And you know what that means--only two more years until the apocalypse. That is, only two years left according to those folks who somehow decided that the end of the current Mayan calender (2012) must harbor profound and lasting effects on the world as we know it. And these guys know what they're talking about. I mean, come on. Look at the evidence. Oh, there isn't any evidence? Hmm. Oh well. Never mind the evidence part. Look at all the speculation! Surely you can't argue with the speculation. RememberY2K? I bet you felt like you had egg on your face after ignoring all the speculation back then once all the bombs went off and all the electricity failed and everyone simultaneously coughed, burped, and farted. Oh right, that didn't happen. (But it
could have). Ok. Forget I mentioned Y2K. And forget all those other times when everyone was positive that the world was coming to an end (note: nearly every generation since the dawn of man). This time it's really going to happen. The point is, I'm excited for the upcoming apocalypse. And you should be, too.
