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Case # 54028475
Patient ID # 429
Name: Withheld

Symptoms: Inability to make important decisions, laziness, stupidity, relationship issues, rancid and stale breath, disgustingly greasy hair, and inexplicably bad body odor. Also, headache, sore throat, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea.

Observations and Initial Prognosis: It appears as though Patient #429 is suffering from Typicalmalesfreshmanyearincollegeitis. I will run several studies on this patient and hope to diagnose and treat this patient successfully. The first series of experiments and observations will focus on the behavioral aspects of Patient #429. The second series of experiments and observations will focus on the physical aspects of Patient #429’s ailments. The third series of experiments and observations will focus on the supposed “symptoms” that the patient claims to be suffering from and wishes to miss class for.

Behavioral Experiments and Observations:

Inability to make important decisions: Patient #429 was subjected to a standardized test in which he was to choose whether or not he wanted to pursue a major in which he would have to work incredibly hard, suffer, but make exorbitant amounts of money or a major in which he would be able to slack off all through college, party, and have no concrete future plans. There was no third option. Patient was unable to finish the test in the given amount of time which was 4 weeks.

Laziness: After running studies on the patient’s heart rate while at a resting state and then active state, tests conclude without any significant finds other than the inability to get Patient #429 to get off of the examination table. Patient’s resting heart rate was 32 BPM, indicating near-death-like symptoms. The inability of the researchers to entice Patient #429 to participate in any physical activity resulted in the use of an XBOX gaming console. While operating said console, patient’s heart rate rose to over 140 BPM.

Stupidity: When handed a beer-bong full of a high-gravity, high-alcohol containing beer, Patient #429 willingly consumed all of the alcohol in less than 5 seconds without asking what was in the beer-bong or why. Patient’s BAC went from .0000 to .0631 in less than 30 minutes. When asked to repeat the process several times, patient’s behavior was unchanged. Patient #429’s BAC was at .3853 after the completion of the experiment. Patient then proceeded to slap the rear-ends of all the nurses, ask for their numbers, and cat-call to the other patients before claiming that he could “hook-up” with all of the girls on campus, but first had to fly to see them. Patient #429 then proceeded to jump off of the examination table with a handkerchief tied around his neck like a cape only to come to a crashing halt on the examination room floor, knock out a tooth, break his nose, and bleed all over floor, beds, and nurses. (Floor was cleaned with a bleach solution containing 5200ppm bleach.)

Relationship Issues: Patient revealed the inability to maintain a phone conversation with his girlfriend at another college. Reasons for this failure to communicate: the music was too loud in the background; the other girls in his room wouldn’t stop talking; his phone mysteriously lost service whenever the phone call went over 1 minute. The patient also indicated a complete lack of interest in his girlfriend citing that they seem to “have just grown apart.” Further investigation was deemed unnecessary after he excused himself to take his fourth call, each from a different girl.

Breath: Patient #429 exhibits an abnormal amount and extent of halitosis. The standard case of halitosis is curable using a solution of 1203ppm of sodium chloride toothpaste, however, Patient #429 is suffering from abnormally bad breath. After administering to a breathalyzer, it was discovered that Patient #429 had a BAC of .0205, indicating minor intoxication. After administering to a lie-detector, it was made known that the patient had been out drinking the night before thus leading to the conclusion that the breath is a byproduct of Taco Bell and beer fermentation in the mouth.

Hair: The amount of grease and/or oil in Patient #429’s hair has increased by 1.029% over the past 24 hours. This represents a heightened state of grease/oil production in the patient’s hair. Standard grease/oil production is typically between .236% and .309%, but as discovered through multiple analyses of several hair samples, production is alarmingly high. The data acquired by these experiments indicates that the patient’s hair was completely void of any chemicals or ingredients found in conventional shampoo.

Body Odor: 63.42% of Patient #429’s pores were clogged up with oil on his left arm alone. Skin samples discovered what appears to be a residue that was traced back to Cheetos. The tissue around the mouth was sampled, and the tests revealed 147.32% more bacteria than the average human being, 67.42% more bacteria than the average dog, and 12.48% more bacteria than the average bacterial cell. Needless to say, the results were astounding. Further testing identified a complete absence of any chemical or ingredient used in standard bodywash or bar soap.

Research on the “symptoms” being suffered by Patient #429
After several observations and experiments, it has been concluded that Patient #429 does not actually exhibit any of the following symptoms: headache, sore throat, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea. Further research indicates that the last 5 symptoms were most likely gleaned from a Pepto-Bismol commercial in an attempt to be excused from Philosophy class.

Final Observations and Diagnosis
Over the course of the experiments, Patient #429 responded positively to exposure to XBOX but negatively to any antibiotics that were administered. Patient’s “symptoms” decreased rapidly from the beginning of the session to the end of the session, suggesting that the patient “forgot” to be ill. It is concluded that the original prognosis of Typicalmalesfreshmanyearincollegeitis is correct. This condition has been sweeping the nation; however, no further action is necessary. The condition has been deemed “A learning experience” by scientists, educators and politicians around the country. Future research might focus on a source for the condition and possible ways to avoid contracting it.