your anti-spring break guide

Your Anti-Spring Break Guide

[steven schultz]

It’s that time again! Time to pack up all of your clothes and get ready for Spring Break!!! Many of us college students need the break. At this point we will have been going for nearly two straight months of the grueling educational process wherein tests, homework, projects, and going to campus for five, six, sometimes nine hours at a time… excluding business majors of course. We students need to go somewhere. Somewhere far. But where? We need to go somewhere where we won’t worry about classes, can party hard, and maybe be so infinitely cool as to make it on to one MTV’s armada of Spring Break television shows like “Hottie Connection” wherein sexy coeds hook up at juicy locations and get “crunk” and end the night at one of the two’s hotel room. What happens after that is a mystery. My personal guess is they go back to trailer for makeup so they can be on the next show seeing as how every guy and girl are the same in almost every way.

Hottie Connection guy: Hey, my name is Jason, I go to Eastern West Virginia College where I’m part of Kappa Beta Zeta. GO RACOONS! I’m here in Cancun for all the ladays (note: not pronounced ladies) and for the parties, it is CRAZYY up in here! I like sports, working out, doing stuff, hanging out, and I really HATE school! WOOO!! GO RACOONS!

Hottie Connection girl: Hi!!!! My name is Jessica, but my girlfriends call me J-Sizzle. (Pause for that last statement of ho-ness to settle in) I go to Northeastern South Carolina University where I cheer for my favorite team ever: The Shrews!!! I’m here in Cancun for all the guys, I mean come on, wouldn’t you like totally do that too if you were me? I like drinking, hanging out with friends, and most importantly: Guys with hard bodies. (Another Pause). I really hate body hair. EWWW!!! (Camera then flashes over to Jason, in a swimsuit, who has more than the average 70’s porn guy had to show a potential clash in tastes)

Or you could settle for Spring Bling with BET, which is MTV’s Spring Break minus guitars. But seeing as how you are probably not as infinitely as cool as Jason or Jessica, you’ll have to settle for somewhere more down to Earth. Granted there are those spring cruises designated specifically for college students, but those are outrageously priced, and most of the countries you go to would just love to arrest a few Americans due to our lovely attitude recently on the rest of world: “We are better than you even though our leader frequently has to be explained that the countries on the bottom of the globe don’t fall of because of something call ‘gravity’.” Going to Daytona is out of the question because let’s face it. Nobody who is cool goes to Daytona anymore. That is so, like, 1998! Maybe you, Sugar Ray, and Master P could go party at Daytona Beach, but I want to go somewhere even cooler than hearing such classics as “When It’s Over” for the trillionth time, or my personal Master P abomination: “Unnnnnh (nana na na)”. So where do we want to go? There are literally millions of places to go. Why is choosing one so hard? We NEED to go somewhere that is cool, because apparently that is the most important thing in life. (What am I saying? That’s the most important thing ever!) That’s where I come in. I am here to give you the top 5 places NOT to go. There are so many that you could go, so I feel it’s more important to tell you where not to go. That means if you go to a place where I said NOT to go, you won’t be able to say: “Steven, I had a shitty time! Why would you ever tell me to go there? Seriously!?!? The locals ate Jeff! WHAT DO WE TELL HIS PARENTS!?!?!” So here are your top 5 places NOT to go:

Location #1: Bismarck, North Dakota One may ask: “You started by telling us not to go North Dakota? Its negative a billion and there will be nothing to. Perhaps we aren’t as stupid as you think we are, skip.” Well, perhaps one is an idiot. Although it may seem like no one would EVER want to go to North Dakota for any reason, I feel it necessary to tell you this because of one simple fact: People always do stupid things regardless of how boneheaded the mistake is. Here’s an example: Have you ever done something where you see somebody do something moderately stupid, like touch something really sharp or smell something really bad? Of course you have. Isn’t that person an idiot for doing that? But has that person ever turned to you, and say: “Hey, come (smell/touch/feel/lick?) this!” And inevitably you do it. You knew it was a bad idea. You saw your friend jump back from how bad whatever it is they are doing was, and yet still you go and do it. We all do it. For those of you who say they’ve done it, thanks for being honest. So this is why I’m mentioning Bismarck; to make sure there are no inquisitive morons out there. It’s nice to be a free thinker, seeing as how free thinking has brought us almost all of society’s greatest inventions. But keep in mind free thinking also brought us Communism, World War II, and the Fox “News” Network. Though technically FNN is very against free thinking unless it is slander and lies towards liberal America.

Location #2: France Why not France? Why not go to one of the most beautiful countries on Earth? Why not go to one of the best culinary places in the world? Why not go to the French Riviera which does actually happen to have the nerve to be within the borders of France? The answer to all of those questions, as well as any other questions as to why you shouldn’t go to France, is very easy. The reason why you shouldn’t go to France is because: France is where the French live! DUH! Why would you ever want to go spend time with the froggies? They don’t shower, and good luck if you run out of deodorant there. Plus they hate us. I mean the reason the French National Soccer team celebrated so greatly after they won the World Cup in 1998 (keep in mind, they won in France) is because it was the first time they had ever won something without American help. So to sum up why France is a bad idea: Smelly and ungrateful people who hate you and your country live there. It would be like visiting with your sarcastic, gay, cousin who you know hates you because you are better than them in everyway but without international airport security.

Location #3: On Second thought… Anywhere Abroad At the present moment we have troops in the following countries (please don’t make me fact check by the way… I’m a 20 year old biochemistry major writing for a humor e-magazine… not a New York Times correspondant): Iraq, Afghanistan, Turkey, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Cuba, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines, Indonesia, Egypt, Germany, Panama (yes we still do apparently), Saudi Arabia, and Kuwait. Although I wouldn’t expect you to go to any of those places, minus Germany or Japan, that really doesn’t matter. The point is that major regions of the world hate us right now. They hate us a lot. Europe hates us for the war, the entire Islamic part of the world hates us obviously because of the war, Asia is none to fond of us because of our economy, Africa never liked us to begin with, and South America is getting pissed about the whole 400 years of economic exploitation. So that leaves Australia, where everything can kill you, Antarctica, which I don’t need to waste a joke on here, and the Caribbean. But as mentioned earlier, MTV will be there, and you probably aren’t cool enough for them.

Location #4: Miami, Florida Anyone who has read anything I’ve written in the past for “TheCroc.org” has probably been able to figure out that I don’t like Miami. In fact, in the September issue, the name of my article was: Steven Hates Miami. So I won’t go on for like 2 years about how bad the place is. Just read the old article. Because seriously; that place sucks major donkey dick. But to make a brief point, this is a reason why you should never go any farther south than Ft. Pierce, Florida: There are reports of GIANT PYTHONS SWALLOWING WHOLE ALLIGATORS. But according to observers, the python bit off more than he could chew and choked. Even worse for the python the alligator literally exploded out of the pythons body, but died shortly thereafter. So in addition to horrible people and Miami just being a bad place to be near, there are GIANT PYTHONS AND ALLIGATORS that can and will probably kill you.

Location #5: Where you are right now Whether you are reading this from your room, on campus, or at a friends house, or at work, you need to go somewhere. You can’t sit on your ass for Spring Break. The point is that it is a break, in the middle of spring. So go somewhere new, go somewhere out of the ordinary. Even if it means going back home, or going to the beach (just not Daytona Beach or South Beach), or Detroit. But you can’t go to Detroit. That’s where I’m going and you’d totally be copying me and that is SO not cool.

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