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14

There is something fishy about this Santa Claus story. How does a jolly, unbelievably obese man slide down the chimney? How does he get in all the apartments and homes that don’t have a chimney? How does he eat all those cookies and not gain weight until he explodes? Is he feeding the cookies to the reindeer? Is he throwing them into the trash? Is he eating them and throwing up later? Probably. That’s it. Santa must be bulimic. It’s the only plausible answer. That’s right children. If you hear puking noises in the bathroom downstairs, don’t worry. It’s just Santa. He’s sorry he ate those cookies now.

And how does Santa know what we want for Christmas? Is he a mind reader or something? Can he read our dreams? Does he stalk the little children until he knows all their innermost thoughts and wishes? Probably. So, children, if you hear the crack of a twig snapping as you walk along the sidewalk to school, don’t worry; it’s just Santa wondering what you want for Christmas.

And how about those reindeer? How can they travel all over the world in one night? Do you know how much Santa must whip those beasts? I bet their hides are not a pretty sight, bestowed with whiplashes everywhere. That’s probably why Santa comes at night. If people saw how he beat those beasts, they would severely admonish Santa for animal abuse but let him carry on because they want their Christmas presents. Christmas presents will always be more important than reindeer. Even PETA agrees with that one. What’s a holiday with absolutely no free stuff delivered by suffering, abused reindeer? Christmas reindeer poo. That’s what.

Well, there is only one explanation for Santa’s magical powers and physical endurance – Jesus is Santa Claus. That’s right. Jesus equals Santa. Jesus knows what everyone wants, and what he wants most of all is for everyone to be happy on Christmas day. As for those who receive coal in their stockings, it is merely a little rap on the back of the hand, saying you better shape up or you’re going to hell. (The fires and furnaces of hell are powered by coal. It’s a little known fact.)

Also, Jesus has magical powers, so he can get through chimneys and visit everyone in one night. He just works his butt off on one day of the year, and then he takes the rest of the year off. That’s why he never answers anyone’s prayers that are on non-Christmas days. As for the reindeer, Jesus is sorry they got on the ark to begin with. He doesn’t like reindeer very much.

So when people tell you that all these pagan Christmas rituals have nothing to do with the birth of Jesus, you look them straight in the eye and just tell him/her that there is a tie between all that Christmas glim glam and Jesus being born. Reiterate all the aforementioned facts and vehemently deny that you’re one marble short of a six-pack. (I don’t know what that means either.) Instead of getting presents on his birthday, Jesus gives presents to everyone as Santa!!! That’s so caring!

Good deal.