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Bush Admits “Stay the Course” is a Euphemism for “Keep Messing Shit Up"
In an unusually candid interview fueled by alcohol, Bush admitted that “stay the course” is just a nicer way of saying “keep messing shit up,” as he and Cheney like to say in private. “We didn’t really fix the Middle East,” said George Bush. “We just kind of started a campfire fire there, watched it turn into a wildfire, and then watched it burn everything to the ground. It’s a good show, which reminds me: Anybody want to go camping? Anybody?” “And basically, what we’re doing there is messing shit up,” added Dick Cheney. “Come on now. Stay the course? What course is that? Because I think it runs into the ground. Or to hell.” Bush and Cheney agreed that “stay the course” was a nicer phrasing and they used it for the “fancy shmancy hoity toity reporters and press.”

Overweight Black Actresses Angry at Skinny Black Actors for Taking Their Movie Roles
Overweight African-American actresses are running into a little trouble getting parts in movies lately. The parts are being snatched up by skinny black male actors who dress up as fat ladies. “Does anyone see a problem with this?!” stated Mandy Bohr, a fat black actress. “Hello! You can cut out the makeup and special effects man. Just hire me. That’s right! Me! I’m already exactly what you’re looking for.” From movies like Big Momma’s House to Norbert, black male actors have been stealing the show dressed in drag and wearing a fat suit. In his defense, the casting director for Norbert said, “Yes, but can Mandy Bohr be a funny fat black woman because we all know sure as hell Ed-die Murphy can.”

Man Wonders Why Apple Can’t Just Buckle in and Add a Right-Click Button
At 4:59 p.m. in Omaha, Nebraska, John Sheffield wondered why in the lord’s name do Apple computers not have a right-click button. After unpacking his new Macbook, he attempted to right-click to access the copy command and was chagrinned to find there was only one button. After throwing the computer against the wall, he lamented, “What is their problem? Would it kill them to have a right-click button? The convenience of it! Oh, the god damn convenience! The inhumanity!”

Police Hold Photography Exhibit: Men in Suits Shaking Hands
The New York police department is holding a photography exhibit entitled “Criminals Shaking Hands” to display the copious pictures of criminals shaking hands they have. The police chief stated, “We just had an ungodly number of pictures of high-ranking criminals shaking other high-ranking criminals hands. For some reason, when photo-graphers go to shoot these events from afar, they always go for the handshake picture. If criminals didn’t shake hands, they’d probably escape being photographed and have better lives.” The FBI intend to setup their own exhibit entitled: “Things High-Ranking Gangsters Accidently Dropped.”

World’s Strongest Man Looks Fat
While watching the World’s Strongest Man competition on TV, Casey Bullock thought that the winner Dan Smith looked a “tad overweight.” In all fair estimation, the winner, Dan Smith, did indeed appear fat. “He has that upper arm swinging fat and a beer bel-ly,” commented Bullock. “I thought the strongest man was supposed to look like a young Arnold Shwarzeneggar. Maybe he just has a muscley interior.” Smith’s publicist commented, “When you can raise massive objects over your head, too, then you can criticize to Dan the World’s Strongest Man.”