digesting 49

[emily rice]

Bush Admits “Stay the Course” is a Euphemism for “Keep Messing Shit Up”
Fat Black Actresses Angry at Skinny Black Actors for Taking Their Movie Roles
Man Wonders Why Apple Can’t Just Buckle in and Add a Right-Click Button
Police Hold Photography Exhibit: Men in Suits Shaking Hands
World’s Strongest Man Looks Fat

Obama Visits Bush in the Oval Office

[emily rice]

Bush: Welcome, President-elect Obama

Obama: Good to see you, Mr. President. (They shake hands.)

Bush: Hey there, Mr. Barack Obama. Welcome to this here oval room-type place. Let me just show you around.

Obama: My pleasure, President Bush.

Bush: Well, let’s start off with this big, humongous desk of mine. Now this desk is the pride…and joy of the Oval Office. For one thing, it’s where I keep my munchies.

Obama: I’m very much obliged, President Bush.

Bush: Alright, let’s start with where I stash the munchies.

Obama: Excuse me, sir? Did you say…munchies?

Bush: What? You don’t like munchies?

Obama: No, sir. Just…I…

Bush: Anyway, in this desk drawer, I have my munchies—popcorn, Cheetos, jelly beans, you name it. No pretzels. Oh God, no pretzels. Anyway, it’s my secret stash. Heh heh heh.* Unfortunately, Dick likes to eat them sometimes, so I had this special vault installed in the wall behind a hidden panel. Where is it? Dammit, I forgot where my secret vault is. Anyway, the code is “1, 2, 4.” Write that down somewhere, so you don’t forget it. See, anybody who knows me would think my secretive code is “1,2,3.” But no! This old fart still has some tricks up his sleeve. I’ll leave whatever I don’t finish before I leave here for ya. Heh heh heh.* The President’s is a hard job and munchies are essential.

The Party Hats

[emily rice]

The Party Hats are a PS2 Rock Band cover band. They never have and never will write their own music because, in their own words, "It's way too hard, and we just like to party!" They get their name from the fact that they like to party wearing little hats. Because little hats fall off a lot, they use their best friend, the bobby pin, to hold them on. In spite of that, many a time has a hat fallen off, disrupting the band's performance. Other people are welcome to attend their live shows, which have never attracted an audience due to the fact that they're not very entertaining. Rutabaga is the Party Hats without their drummer/guitar player, Emily Rice, the best musician in the entire world and a woefully undiscovered talent.

A Christmas Tale

[emily rice]

There is something fishy about this Santa Claus story. How does a jolly, unbelievably obese man slide down the chimney? How does he get in all the apartments and homes that don’t have a chimney? How does he eat all those cookies and not gain weight until he explodes? Is he feeding the cookies to the reindeer? Is he throwing them into the trash? Is he eating them and throwing up later? Probably. That’s it. Santa must be bulimic. It’s the only plausible answer. That’s right children. If you hear puking noises in the bathroom downstairs, don’t worry. It’s just Santa. He’s sorry he ate those cookies now.

10 Ways to End Global Warming

[emily rice]

Global warming started when people ran their furnaces too much in the winter. This introduced massive amounts of hot air into the atmosphere. Global warming is upon us, and we must do our part to save our environment. These are 10 ways ways to end global warning:

1. Throw ice cubes into the air so that there will be maximum surface area exposure between the ice and the air.

2. Have the car's air conditioner on full blast all the time, and keep the windows down so that the cool air will escape into the atmosphere.

3. Try to breathe out as few times possible. This diminishes the amount of warm air sent into the atmosphere.