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2005 was a long, rough year, and I still got absolutely nothing constructive done. In hopes that I will be able to get something done in 2006, I’ve decided to actually put some thought into my New Year’s resolutions and to keep a journal tracking my progress. Here, for your review, is my journal for the first 10 days:

1) Stop procrastinating. (This has been on my list for four years, I just haven’t gotten around to doing anything about it)

Update 1/3/06: Finished making my resolutions. This is a good sign.
Update 1/10/06: Never mind. Still haven’t sent my article to my editor. I guess I’ll just have to scrap this one until next year.

2) Be nicer to people. (Starting with my stupid-ass loser friends)

Update 1/4/06: Restart this one tomorrow. Today’s “Kenny, I freaking HATE you,” necessitates a do-over.

3) Lose 30 pounds. (I plan to do this by drinking only water and eating only the hard, round little seed things in the rodent food that my hamster refuses to touch)

Update 1/3/06: Consumed oversized piece of chocolate cake after dinner. Start again tomorrow.
Update 1/4/06: Had second helping of French silk pie. Start again.
Update 1/5/06: Roommate’s chocolate covered pretzels have mysteriously disappeared... shhhhh...
Update 1/6/06: Ate half a tub of cream cheese with a side of marshmallow fluff.
Update 1/7/06: Umm... I’d rather not talk about today.
Update 1/8/06: How have I already gained 20 pounds?!

4) Read Revelations. (A reliable source tells me that the world is coming to an end in 2006, and I’d kind of like to know if I’m going to be expected to pay my roommate’s half of the rent when she gets Raptured)

Update 1/7/06: Have nicked a copy of the Bible to take back to Gainesville with me.
Update 1/9/06: Will get started reading it after I finish Mike Nelson’s Death Rat, Memnoch the Devil, and Nostradamus Ate My Hamster.

5) See every movie Sir Lawrence Olivier ever made. (I have no particular fondness for him, I just think it would be a neat thing to be able to say I’d done)

Note to self: Look Olivier up on IMDb.

6) Move out of Maryland for good. (Not really a resolution, just something I like to brag about)

Update 1/3/06: Good lord, I hate this state.
Update 1/7/06: Ha! I only have to come back here one more time!

7) Get a job. (Preferably one that involves minimal physical or mental exertion, an enormous salary, and not having to wake up before 1 PM)

Update 1/4/06: Hmm... The only such jobs seem to require years of dedication and hard work first. Oh well. This was really more of a resolution my parents made for me...

8) Actually go to class. (Self explanatory, really)

Update 1/8/06: Have not yet skipped a single class.

9) Teach myself to speak Welsh and play mandolin. (I don’t know anyone from Wales, and I don’t own a mandolin, but I’m feeling good about this one)

Update 1/4/06: Spent five hours listening to Ioan Gruffudd sing a Welsh song about pancakes.
Update 1/9/06: I am fairly certain that a mandolin is a stringed instrument...

10) Figure out a 10th resolution. (Nine just looks weird)

Update 1/10/06: No luck thus far. Briefly considered “Watch more Battlestar Galactica,” but I fear that may be physically impossible. Also considered “Actually write the story I’ve been talking about writing since high school,” but ruled it out as too constructive and sensible.

Oh, boy... This is going to be rough year.