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All this time, I had been thinking that college was about learning things, expanding my horizons, and generally growing as a person.

Boy, was I wrong.

I came to this stunning realization when, following a relatively rowdy party the neighbors threw last night, I heard the following conversation directly outside my window:

Male voice #1: Oh my gosh...
Female voice: [giggles]
Male voice #1: Ooooooh my gosh...
Female voice: [giggles]
Male voice #2: What?
Female voice: [giggles]
Male voice #1: I think I’m peeing on the electrical sh*t of their house.
Female voice: [giggles]
Male voice #2: Dude...
Female voice: [giggles]
Male voice #1: This probably isn’t good.
Female voice: [giggles]
Male voice #2: Hey, make sure you’re not wiping with poison oak.
Female voice: [giggles]

Clearly, college is about something more basic than education. It functions solely to keep people like this out of the real world for as long as possible, and the only thing we as college students can hope to get out of the whole situation is a number of stress-induced ulcers (or liver diseases, depending on your preferred method of spending a Friday night) and as many Adult Points as possible.

“What is an Adult Point?” I hear you asking (or at least, I’m going to pretend to hear you asking). Why, I’m glad you asked that, dear reader. Adult Points are a way of quantifying one’s progress toward maturity. The AP system does not seek to pass judgment on anyone – excess maturity is just as bad as excess immaturity – it merely attempts to determine how mature an individual is.

The following is a small portion of the Adult Points Tabulation System.

+ ½ point for all classes attended before 10 AM per week
-1 point for average number of classes skipped per week

+ 10 points for balancing checkbook when statement comes
+ 2 points for balancing checkbook at least once a quarter
+ 5 points for writing transactions in checkbook
+ 1 point for opening bank statement when it comes

+ ½ point for each minute of a news program watched in an average week
+ 5 points for Forbes, National Geographic, or US News and World Report subscription
- 5 points for InStyle, Cosmopolitan, or Weekly World News subscription
- ¼ point for each minute of a news program watched in an average week solely to understand the jokes on The Daily Show or The Colbert Report

+ 5 points for each classic or foreign film watched
- 10 points for each Adam Sandler, Pauly Shore, or Wayans brothers movie watched
+ 2 points for each theatre, opera, choral, or instrumental performance attended

+ 1 point for each day before due date a paper is completed
½ point for average number of hours spent studying per week
+ 1 point for average number of hours spent volunteering per week

+ 1 point for average number of hours spent in gainful employment per week
- ¼ point for average number of hours spent working in the fast food industry per week

+ 5 points each time the oven or stove is used to prepare a meal per week
- 10 points for each night pizza is ordered for dinner each week
+ 2 points for each box of shredded wheat or Special K purchased per week
- 1 point per alcoholic beverage consumed over personal drinking limit
- 2 points for each box of Lucky Charms or Froot Loops purchased per week
- 2 points for each spoiled food item thrown away each week
- 30 points for public urination

+ 5 points for vacuuming
+ 10 points for dusting
+ 15 points for cleaning bathroom

+ 1 point for each houseplant watered per week
+ 2 points for each pet fed per week
+ 10 points for each pet cage cleaned per week (cages cleaned at work/volunteer service do not count)

- 10 points for each houseplant that dies due to negligence
- 50 points for each pet that dies due to negligence

- 1 point for each half-hour stayed up past midnight on an average night
- ¼ point for each hour spent on AIM per day
- ½ point for each hour spent on Facebook per day

+ 5 points for being registered to vote
+ 10 points for actually voting
+ 10 points for voting by absentee ballot
+ 20 points for voting in local elections
+ 30 points for serving jury duty
+ 50 points for military service