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2005 was a long, rough year, and I still got absolutely nothing constructive done. In hopes that I will be able to get something done in 2006, I’ve decided to actually put some thought into my New Year’s resolutions and to keep a journal tracking my progress. Here, for your review, is my journal for the first 10 days:
1) Stop procrastinating.
(This has been on my list for four years, I just haven’t gotten around to doing anything about it)
Update 1/3/06: Finished making my resolutions. This is a good sign.
Update 1/10/06: Never mind. Still haven’t sent my article to my editor. I guess I’ll just have to scrap this one until next year.
2) Be nicer to people.
(Starting with my stupid-ass loser friends)
Update 1/4/06: Restart this one tomorrow. Today’s “Kenny, I freaking HATE you,” necessitates a do-over.
All this time, I had been thinking that college was about learning things, expanding my horizons, and generally growing as a person.
Boy, was I wrong.
I came to this stunning realization when, following a relatively rowdy party the neighbors threw last night, I heard the following conversation directly outside my window:
Male voice #1: Oh my gosh...
Female voice: [giggles]
Male voice #1: Ooooooh my gosh...
Female voice: [giggles]
Male voice #2: What?
Female voice: [giggles]
Male voice #1: I think I’m peeing on the electrical sh*t of their house.
Female voice: [giggles]
Male voice #2: Dude...
Female voice: [giggles]
Male voice #1: This probably isn’t good.
Female voice: [giggles]
Male voice #2: Hey, make sure you’re not wiping with poison oak.
Female voice: [giggles]
Clearly, college is about something more basic than education. It functions solely to keep people like this out of the real world for as long as possible, and the only thing we as college students can hope to get out of the whole situation is a number of stress-induced ulcers (or liver diseases, depending on your preferred method of spending a Friday night) and as many Adult Points as possible.
It is not a war until Wolf Blitzer is on TV again.
It is still butter even if you don’t believe it
All the posters in your room WILL fall down during Winter Break. And you won’t ever bother putting them back up.
A corner of your room will become a heaping pile of junk. Don’t fight it.
She’s really not your type- trust your friends.
If something in your room smells, and it isn’t your armpits, don’t keep looking. You don’t want to know.
The more cartoons a guy watches, the more fertile he is. Really, I swear.
Sarah Jessica Parker is ugly. I’d do the redhead chick before her- and she’s uglier than Roseanne.
Okay. I’m a straight female and have no interest whatsoever in pornography, so I’m precisely not the desired target demographic . I’m in the demographic that cringes every time it sees one of our peers marketing herself as the next best boy-toy, but damn it, Girls Gone Wild is CHEAP! SO. DAMN. CHEAP. What a deal!!! Two whole videos for $9.99? Seriously? Two WHOLE videos! That’s $5 each! Do you know how expensive videos normally are? They’re definitely not $5 each. Normally, videos with stuff on them are around $20 or so. I’m practically MAKING money in this deal. Making money! Not really, but damn that’s cheap. Cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap. I can’t believe it’s so cheap!