The BEST POP SONG EVER was written yesterday when a seventh grader sat down and composed something to his girlfriend on some cafeteria napkins. “It was pure inspiration,” the kid said. “I put in so much effort into it that now I don’t want to give it to her. She definitely does not deserve this song. I have plans to sell the lyrics to Britney Spears or maybe N’Sync, but I like Britney Spears better. N’Sync is gay. We’re talking ten, maybe twenty grand here.” Lou Pearlman, creator of the Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, stated, “I’ve never seen such a combination of sappy lyrics and one-syllable rhyming words. It is completely devoid of intelligent thought or original content. It’s one of those songs the devil would put on repeat in hell to torture the grief-stricken, anguished souls of the cursed and will be an embarrassment to the nation a decade or so later. I love it.”

WARNING: HAZARDOUS TO THE HEALTH OF ANYONE ABOVE THE AGE OF 17.

[Editor’s note: I’m not kidding. It’s really, really bad.]

I love you, honeypoo.
Don’t you love me, too?
No one loves you the way I do
. When you’re away I’m blue-ooh-ooh.
Boohoo.

You’re breaking my heart.
You’re tearing me apart.
If only this were real,
And you felt the way I feel.

You’re so fine.
Don’t you love me?
One day I’m going to make you mine.
We were made to be.
Don’t make me whine.

I think I’m in love.
You drive me crazy.
You amaze me.
You light me on fire.
You are my one desire.

Just give me a chance.
Stand up and dance.
I want romance.
My name is Lance.

I will make it right.
Let’s party the whole night.
And not fight…tonight.

We’re gonna party
  all night long.
I hope you get this song.

[Editor’s note: And now, a lame attempt to capture the hip-hop crowd.]
Put your hands in the air,
  and wave them
  like you just don’t care.
Now scream.
  (scream)
Now scream.
  (scream)

Schizzle to the nizzle.
Dizzle dizzle kapizzle.
Wizzle.

I took you for granted,
  and now you’re gone. (Uh-uh-ooooo-oh-oh-oh)
I never meant to hurt you.
Do you think about me (Ooh-weeeee)
  like I think about you?
I wonder where you are now. (La la laaaa)

Oh, baby, baby, girl.
Don’t break my heart, girl.
We should never be apart, girl.
I gave you all I
  had to give, girl
Isn’t that enough, girl?
Girl?

Nah nah, ya ya.
Ooo, ooo, yeah.
Baby, baby, ya, ya, ya.

You’re my one and…only.
Oooooooooooooooooo…ya.