GOTHAM, NEW YORK - Nancy Willis was saved from a Detroit gang by a guy wearing a “batsuit.” Ya, he was dressed like a bat. Willis reported that he rappelled down a skyscraper, glided down on wings attached to his suit, landed, and confronted her attackers. While all seven of them had guns (and one had a machine gun), the man in the batsuit beat the heck out of all seven of them before they got a single shot off. He was friggin’ awesome.

Willis described him as being “very buff, with pointy ear-like things that stood straight up, boots, a complicated-looking belt, and a mask.” She added, “Oh, and he was wearing a kinda gay cape.”

Willis said that she was really more scared of him than the attackers. “I mean…he was dressed as a bat. I don’t know if he knows this, but girls hate bats. They get in our hair and look evil.”

“I asked him who he was. He said his name was ‘Batman.’ I like totally started laughing. I couldn’t keep a straight face. He said, ‘Aren’t you attracted by the aura of mystery that surrounds me and my obvious hunkiness?’ I just laughed harder. I mean, like, ‘Dude, you’re dressed like a bat! Who do you think you are? A superhero?’ although I didn’t say that.” According to Willis, he was silent for a moment, and then he said, “I saved your life. Don’t you find me sexy?” after which Willis laughed and fell to the ground, rolling in merriment.

After this little exchange his cute little cheeks turned red, and he fled. Willis added, “I hope I didn’t hurt the poor guy’s feelings.”

The police warn people to be on the watch for this “batman” because psychologists say he probably, to use the medical term, “has a screw loose.” One prominent psychologist, Megan White, hypothesized, “He obviously must have had a very traumatic childhood and some reason to have a very close connection to bats. Maybe he was raised by bats. Maybe he visited a cave really full of bats, and he thought that a bat is the perfect symbol to fight evil. Then again, that’s a stupid idea. Probably not.”