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NEW YORK, NY - After three years of terrorizing New York City, the serial murder known only as the “Blockhead Killer” was finally caught. The police arrested Lucy van Pelt, 28, yesterday at her advice booth in the Bronx.

The “Blockhead Killer” murders started in 2002 with Bill Glasby. Since then there have been seven more murders, the most recent being the late Will Lansbury. All of her victims were balding men with huge heads who had male dogs. She was especially heinous to those who had one hair sticking up near the brow of their head, possessed a Beagle, or had a penchant for yellow t-shirts with jagged black patterns and black-shorts. The victims were generally on antidepressants, single, and lonely.

All eight victims’ backs were broken, but they died from head trauma. Even stranger, the male dogs were sexually abused (however that’s possible). The words, “Blockhead” or “You Stupid Beagle,” were spray painted at the scenes of the crimes. The only evidence was a couple of long, black hairs that the police have matched to Lucy.

Police suspected that the murderer was nine feet tall and had halitosis, a full head of hair, and a cyborg-implanted eye. When questioned where this profile came from, one policeman responded, “Hey, we’re just guessing here.” Police suspected that the “Blockhead Killer” was paid by the makers of Rogaine to kill bald men, causing bald men everywhere to use Rogaine out of fear that they would be the next to die. Police were astonished (and a little embarrassed) to find that it was Lucy all along, a skinny lady with black hair in her late twenties. “What? No cyborg-implanted eye?” exclaimed one police officer.

According to people who lived in the neighborhood where Lucy grew up, she was a troubled child from the very beginning. As a youth, she was the neighborhood bully. When she was only six, she would habitually torment a local boy by asking him to kick a football. Just as he tried to kick it, she would lift it up, and the boy would land flat on his back. Apparently, this local boy, Charlie Brown, was lovably gullible, whose only faults were his overly trusting nature and difficulty distinguishing patterns. Lucy also may have harbored ill-will towards the boy because his dog regularly smooched her, which she detested. Experts theorize that this is why she acquired an acute disgust for dogs and a desire to abuse dogs sexually. Lucy was also known to regularly court a piano player, who would sometimes enrage her so much that she would hit the piano and send him tumbling. According to neighbors, her parents never disciplined her and usually were nowhere to be seen.

As an adult, Lucy moved to New York, where she set up an advice booth for the relatively low price of five cents per session. A customer tipped the police when she gave the advice, “If you’re going to kill bald men and sexually abuse dogs, try to be subtle about it. Like me.”

Police who raided her apartment found only blue dresses, black shoes, a gun, and a sledgehammer. Once police officer admitted, “I’ve seen her, and I think blue really compliments her ice-cold, leering, evil eyes.” Another piped up, “What?! No severed limbs or frozen organs? Now this is a sick one.”

The police are trying to connect this case to murders or rapes of gifted piano players with blonde hair who trained on mini-pianos.