On September 1, 2006, at 9 A.M., the Gator Nation invaded Poland, astonishing government leaders around the world, especially Kazimierz Marcinkiewicz, the Prime Minister of Poland. Bernie Machen, President of the University of Florida, insisted that the Polish attacked UF first, although many think the invasion was part of his plan to make the University of Florida a top ten public university as ranked by U.S. News and World Reports.

While tensions had been mounting as the Gator Nation’s population and its desire for fame and academic heft increased, none expected such sudden hostility and flagrant disregard of other countries’ boundaries so soon.

Bernie Machen, the head of the Gator Nation, gave the only explanation: “We have an expanding student population. We must expand our land and resources accordingly. Not many universities can claim they own a country. I think that gives us a big advantage over other top public universities and Ivy League schools.”

Poland’s GDP of $514 billion, which is roughly 1,000 times UF’s appropriations from the Florida government, should help UF’s fundraising greatly. However, UF says it does not expect any voluntary grants from the Polish.

The student response was ambiguous. One commented, “Poland is alright I guess.”

•The implied correlation between Hitler and Machen is highly exaggerated. For one thing, Machen didn’t kill any Jews.