A new study conducted by the University of Florida shows that George W. Bush is good for the average guy’s self-esteem, especially among the more “loserly” ones. The study also found that the nation’s self-esteem is inversely proportional to Bush’s approval ratings.

I went undercover on the street to record the public’s reactions:

• Dan Furrows, a generic guy, stated, “Bush was the first president where I went, ‘Hey, I could do that.’”
• Bobby Smith, a truck driver from Jacksonville, commented, “I always thought being the President was a job requiring great intelligence and diplomatic ability. I thought it involved a firm grasp of world economics, leadership skills, and charisma. Now I know that all you need is money, the right connections, and a moderate amount of geniality. I don’t have to be anything special. I just have to be slightly above mediocrity and wear a good suit.” He continued, “Oh, and male. And white. And Christian. But I’ve got that part down pat.”
• Ted Benson, a white-collar worker and father, stated, “My child is…my child is…well, let’s just say he’s a brain short of Einstein. Heck, he’s a brain short of being human. However, now I have reason not to give up hope. After all, he may get C’s and D’s, but hey, he could be the next President. Now if only I were rich and well-connected.” Benson’s brother commented, “My son, he’s already got a DUI. He’s practically on the road to success already. Now that’s my boy!”
• Barbara Jacobs, an avid Jeff Foxworthy fan, commented, “I love our President. I can’t tell you how good he is for my self-image. I even have some quotes of his. The god-damn President said…wait, I have it written down. I keep it in my wallet for inspirational purposes.” He pulled out a worn and creased piece of paper. “Get this,” he said, “Bush said, ‘I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well.’ Ha ha. It’s supposed to be ‘me,’ not ‘myself.’ That President Bush is a dumb one.” She continued, “Ooh, here’s another. ‘You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.’ Heh heh. Everyone knows ‘literacy’ isn’t a word.”
• Sally Grober, a drug pusher on the corner of 37th and North Field (*hint hint* police), added, “Catch this. Catch this. And I quote from memory. Laura Bush says, ‘George is not an overly introspective person. He has good instincts, and he goes with them. He doesn't need to evaluate and reevaluate a decision. He doesn't try to over think. He likes action.’ Now that’s a spitting image of a gansta if I ever saw one! As soon as I work my way up to drug kingpin, I’m gonna run for President. And I’ll legalize crack. Allll ri-ight.” The interviewer left her to her delusional fantasies.
• After learning that Bush got a 71% in college economics, the most frequent student response was, “No wonder the economy sucks.” One student added, “I don’t think he knows what negative numbers are. They’re the opposite of positive numbers with little hyphens before them.”