Yet another resident of Aurora, Illinois was arrested for committing a senseless act of eating. On Thursday, March 5th, the police raided the home of 59-year-old Mrs. Hanguri, catching her red-handed amidst the remains of a bag of Lay’s potato chips. This is the fifth reported act of senseless eating this month.

Mary Bigsmowth, Mrs. Hanguri’s neighbor, witnessed the event. She reports, “Well, I was just sitting in my rocking chair, minding my own business, when I happened to look through the window of her house with my binoculars. She was sitting on the couch in front of one of those new-fangled televisions, her hand groping towards a bag of potato chips. Now I knew full well she didn’t need more food, having just happened to observe the barbecue ribs, corn, and three rolls she ate earlier that evening from 6:49 to 7:13. Acting like any responsible citizen, I called 911.”

The mood at the Nader Headquarters was tense as Nader and the other two members of his party watched the electoral college results on TV. As Peter Miguel Comejo, future vice president, sat in front of the 15-inch screen, he blew up balloons for use at the victory celebration. “You were right, Nader. We didn’t need to buy more balloons. We did have enough of them left from 2000.”

“I’m always right,” Nader replied. “That’s why, one of these days, lots of people are going to vote for me.” The first results came in on TV. North Carolina went to Bush, with 1,910,936 votes to Kerry’s 1,484,158. Some guy named Badnarik got 13,224.

“What?! This can’t be right!” exclaimed James Jones, Nader’s other supporter. “Didn’t you campaign there?”

Man looks at women ‘”funny”; sued for sexual harassment
Mandy Green sued fellow company worker, Chris Rockafeller, for sexual harassment in the workplace on the basis that he looked at her “funny.” “I didn’t appreciate that look he gave me,“ said Green. Rockafeller defended himself, saying, “I was staring into the distance, thinking about where to go for lunch. She happened to be in my line of vision. It isn’t a crime to look at someone. This is ridiculous. She knows I’m openly gay.” Green contended, “He’s complimented me on my clothes before. Once he said my dress was ‘darling’.” “I liked her dress. So what? I thought I might like to buy one like that,” Rockafeller replied. “It’s kind of embarrassing, really.”

Hey. You. Yeah, you. I know you’re reading this. I bet you thought I couldn’t tell, eh? Well, I can. And you know what? I’m mad. Really mad. Kinda. Didn’t you read the title? I told you not to read this. Really. I don’t want people reading this. This is the crappiest article I’ve ever written. It’s embarrassing. Do you know how little freaking content there is in here? The most informative words are the “by so-and-so” beneath the title. I mean, not only does it lack content, it’s also incoherent and doesn’t use big words. It’s like a kindergarten essay, except spelled right and without the nifty crayon drawings.

It’s almost a sin to write this article. I mean, if anyone read it, they’d be wasting their lives. Yup, five minutes right down the drain, never to be recovered again. Even worse, if anyone reads this during class or when they should be working, I’m contributing to juvenile delinquency. Ugh, why don’t I ever think before getting myself into such messes? At least I warned you.

Once there lived a troll, but not just any troll. This was a very, very sadistic little troll. This troll invented the game of golf.

If you ever drive past a golf course, you’ll notice that most golfers fall into a single demographic--people with too much time on their hands. This group typically includes retired old people, celebrities, and corporate moguls. This demographic by no means includes me, or the majority of the population, for that matter.

Golf starts out like most sports: There’s a ball. There’s a place where you want to put the ball. You try to put the ball in the place. Unfortunately, there's a catch. In golf, you have to put the ball in the smallest place possible in the hardest way possible.

In baseball and basketball, you throw the ball. In soccer, you kick it. Sure, kicking is harder than throwing, but it’s not beyond reason. In golf, however, you hit the ball with a skinny metal stick that you paid a couple hundred dollars for. Go figure.